Category Archives: Relationship-Friendship

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Warning: Pride Kills Love

It Blinds Us To The World Around Us—And Within Us

SYNOPSIS: You cannot be loving and prideful at the same time. One destroys the other. You see, pride blinds us to the world around us—and to the world within us. It makes us think others are worse than they are and we are better than we are. And if that weren’t bad enough, it blinds us to God—to who He is, to what He is doing, and to what He wants from us. In reality, pride blinds us to our own pride, and that is what makes it so destructive. That is why the God of love hates pride. We should, too, especially our own pride.

New Article: Pride Kills Love

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NLT)

Love is … not proud.

It is helpful to remember that Paul is describing love, both positively (it is patient, kind, truth-loving, determined, faithful, hopeful, and enduring) and negatively (it is not jealous, boastful, proud, rude, selfish, irritable, resentful, or unjust) in the context of Christian worship and service. While this can be applied to marriage, family, and friendships, the primary application is how those in the body of Christ are to relate to one another.

As Paul teaches elsewhere, Christ-followers are to, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Rom 12:10) Jesus said the preeminent quality that will draw the world’s attention to him will be the love his disciples display to each other: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

That high call to love, wherever it is found in the New Testament writings, requires an attitude of humility, servanthood, and selflessness and is therefore impossible when human pride resides in the heart. How is that?

Pride blinds us to the world around us … and to the world within us. It makes us think others are worse than they are and we are better than we are. And if that weren’t bad enough, it blinds us to God—to who He is, to what He is doing, and to what He wants from us. In reality, pride blinds us to our own pride, and that is what makes it so destructive.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis noted, “A proud person is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”

Ultimately, our pride’s ability to blind will lead us to the opposite of love: a life of lovelessness, insensitivity, judgment attitudes, and even hatred, which is simply a life that doesn’t proactively demonstrate love. Lewis went on to say that at the end of the day, without proactive love, “we shall insist on seeing everything—God and our friends and ourselves included—as bad, and not be able to stop doing it: we shall be fixed for ever in a universe of pure hatred.”

Lewis then described the corrosive effects of human pride:

Suppose one reads a story of filthy atrocities in the paper. Then suppose that something turns up suggesting that the story might not be quite true, or not quite so bad as it was made out. Is one’s first feeling, ‘Thank God, even they aren’t quite so bad as that,’ or is it a feeling of disappointment, and even a determination to cling to the first story for the sheer pleasure of thinking your enemies are as bad as possible? If it is the second then it is, I am afraid, the first step in a process which, if followed to the end, will make us into devils. You see, one is beginning to wish that black was a little blacker. If we give that wish its head, later on we shall wish to see grey as black, and then to see white itself as black.

That is how we begin to see others as bad and not be able to stop doing it. We become judgmental, critical, harsh, and superior. Sadly, that is how we become forever fixed in a universe where lovelessness rules our lives.

And that is why pride is the core of all sin, why it is so dangerous, and why the God of love hates it so viscerally and vociferously! Don’t believe me, consider the following verses

I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. (Prov 8:13)

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. (Prov 11:2)

The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. (Prov 16:5)

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Prov 16:18)

What do those verses say about you and me and our propensity for pride? Again, simply this: you cannot exhibit God’s love if you tolerate pride in your life. One will destroy the other.

So at all costs, make sure love wins in your life!

Take A Moment: Since pride blinds you to your own pride, ask someone you trust, someone who knows you, someone who will speak loving truth to you, if pride exists in your heart. Above all, refuse to allow pride to fix you in a universe of lovelessness.

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Is Your Opinion A Conduit For Arrogance?

True Love Never Struts, Never Gets A Big Head, Never Bullies

SYNOPSIS: Are your opinions a conduit for arrogance? 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that true love, the kind of love that emanates from God, the kind of love that Christ-followers are to model, is never arrogant. That is, it never struts, never gets a big head, and it never powers up on another. So, how does that play out in the real world of your daily life? Well, I’d say more practically than you’d think. For example, take how you express your opinions. The arrogance that fuels an uninvited, unhelpful, and often uninformed view plows right through the flashing yellow lights of human relationships without pumping the brakes, leaving a trail of relational wreckage — usually in the name of “speaking the truth in love.” And in this age of social media, where there are no flashing lights warning us of dangerous relational curves ahead, isn’t there a lot of that? Whether you are on the receiving end of another’s view, or you are giving your own, keep in mind that an opinion is not divinely inspired, and therefore it may or may not be the truth. And for sure, if offered without gentleness, respect, humility, and grace, it is not loving. True love knows when to speak — and to speak with gentleness, respect, humility, and grace — and just as importantly, when not to speak. Here’s the deal: You have a right to your opinion, but you don’t have a duty to share every thought that pops into your head. So, go ahead and have an opinion, but stay alert to the arrogance that 1 Corinthians 13:4 is calling out if you want to incarnate Christ-hearted love.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (HCSV)

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited.

Check out these various Bible translations—each of them faithful to the original text—of the Apostle Paul’s rendering of the second clause of 1 Corinthians 13:4,

Love is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. (J. B. Phillips)

Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, and isn’t always ‘me first.’ (Message)

Love doesn’t flaunt itself. (Modern English Version)

Now I have not been around too many braggadocious, mouthy egomaniacs—thank God—because this verse indicates that those kinds of people, no matter how they try to spin it, are not loving. Not like Jesus, anyway, which is the only kind of love the Christ-follower ought to pursue.

Yet I have been around a fair amount of believers who live with the opinion that their opinion is the only opinion that matters. And they are more than happy to share it—even if it is uninvited. And they do so without the slightest bit of self-awareness they are not obligated to share it, or that others’ opinions are equally worthy of sharing as their own.

I would say those kinds of people—and I hope you are not one of them … and if I am, I hope you will have the freedom to let me know (lovingly, of course)—have a love problem. Their need to share their opinions drags their “love” down into the category of boastful, self-inflated, needing to be impressive, strutting, me first, and flaunting. Listen to how The Passion Translation renders verse 4:

Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. (TPT)

So, here’s the deal: you have a right to have opinions, but it’s not your duty to share them in an unfiltered way. George Eliot warns of “always making [others] a ‘present’ of your opinions.” The arrogance that fuels an uninvited and unhelpful (and often uninformed) view plows right through the flashing yellow lights of human relationships without pumping the brakes, leaving a trail of wreckage—usually in the name of “speaking the truth in love.” Because it is an opinion, it may or may not be the truth, but for sure, it is not loving.

True love knows when to speak—and to speak with gentleness, humility, and grace—and just as importantly, when not to speak. Go ahead and have an opinion but stay alert to arrogance if you want to incarnate Christ-hearted love.

Why does the Apostle Paul feel the need to point out that love is neither braggadocious nor prideful? Simply because love is selfless, it puts others first, and it edifies the object it loves. Boasting and pride reveal a self-focus that belies corrosive insecurity and a spirit of scarcity. The famed preacher W. Graham Scroggie wrote,

Boasting is always an advertisement of poverty.

Make sure that early and often, you willingly put the people in your life ahead of you!

Take A Moment: The arrogance that leads to sharing your opinions in a way that harms your relationships—and your witness for Jesus Christ—is extremely hard to spot in yourself. So, if you have the strength and the courage—which I hope you do—give permission to two or three people whom you know to be loving yet honest to tell you the truth about you in this matter. As hard as it might be to hear what they say, remember, the goal is that you become a more loving person.

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Love Is Not Jealous

To Get Rid of Jealousy, Risk All You Have to Give

SYNOPSIS: Jealousy — ubiquitous among humanity (a fancy way of saying we all struggle with it) — desires to possess what another has: their looks, their lovers, their likes on social media, their popularity, their possessions, their achievements, their accolades, you name it. However, our jealous feelings say more about us than those whose things we covet. In reality, jealousy simply disguises our own insecurities. Worse still, it becomes a tool of Satan, whose leading motivation is jealousy. But the Christ-follower is to be different. Scripture is very clear that “love is not jealous.” So, to combat the possessive love-killer called jealousy and send it packing, we must learn to risk all we have to give for the benefit of those of whom we are jealous. Today, get rid of jealousy by risking what you have to give: your un-jealous love!

Love is not jealous

Making Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…Love never fails.

Love–agape love, the love that emanates from God’s being—is not jealous. If you truly love a person, then in the passive sense, you will never be envious of who they are and what they have. In the active sense, you will not allow their successes or possessions or looks to lead you to feel insecure about yourself, then allow that feeling to metastasize into fear, bitterness, suspicion, humiliation, plotting, and rage.

Think of how much damage jealousy has unleashed throughout human history. Two classic examples are found in scripture—one in the Old Testament and the other in the New. In Genesis 37:10-12, we are told that Joseph’s brothers were jealous of their father’s favoritism toward Joseph, of the ornate coat he had given him, of Joseph’s dreams of superiority over his brothers. Because they didn’t have what Joseph had, they sold him into slavery. And even that was a far cry better than what they initially plotted to do—to murder him. Then in the New Testament, Matthew 27:16-20 informs us that the Jewish leaders handed Jesus over to Pilate to be crucified because they were jealous of him.

The poet John Milton said that envy is the devil’s own emotion. Oscar Wilde tells the story of the devil “crossing the Libyan Desert, [when] he came upon a spot where a number of small fiends were tormenting a holy hermit. The sainted man easily shook off their evil suggestions. The devil watched their failure and then he stepped forward to give them a lesson. ‘What you do is too crude,’ he said. ‘Permit me for one moment.’ With that he whispered to [the] holy man, ‘Your brother has just been made [the] Bishop of Alexandria.’ A scowl of malignant jealousy at once clouded the serene face of the hermit. ‘That,’ said the devil to his imps, ‘is the sort of thing … I [would] recommend.’” (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Memories and Adventures, 66)

So ubiquitous is the sin of jealousy in the human race that there was even an offering for it in the Old Testament (Numbers 5). Yet jealousy is arguably the hardest sin to recognize and admit to in ourselves. But it’s everywhere; it’s universal. And mark it down: unchecked jealousy eventually leads to relational tragedy.

James 3:16 says, “Where you have envy … there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

Jealousy leads us to do evil. It’s why Cain killed Abel. Abraham’s two sons, Isaac and Ishmael, were torn apart by jealous rivalry. Bitter envy separated Isaac’s two sons, Jacob and Esau. The jealousy of Jacob’s twelve sons rips the family apart. It’s why Saul tried to kill David.

It is throughout the Bible, from beginning to end. And it is still at work in the world today. It is destroying families, killing friendships, ruining community, shrinking hearts, wrecking lives—and it is at work in you and me. Nobody gets a pass on jealousy!

Jealousy desires to possess what another has – their love, success, things, popularity, social media likes, Instagram followers, you name it. But in truth, jealous thoughts and feelings are simply insecurities disguised. However, scripture bluntly tells us that we cannot be both loving and jealous. As Dorothy Sayers said of the mutual exclusivity of love and jealousy,

We can’t possess one another. We can only give and hazard all we have.

And that, my friends, is the way to deal with the problem of jealousy: get rid of it by risking what you have to give—your un-jealous love!

Take A Moment: If you are struggling with jealous emotions toward another, first confess it before God, repent of it, and ask for His help to eliminate it from your life. Then every time you feel the emotion of envy of jealously toward someone, practice “thanks therapy.” Simply and consistently offer prayers of specific gratitude for that person until the jealousy vanishes—and if you will do that, it will vanish.

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The Beauty of Being Unfriended

ThanksLiving: 365 Days of Gratitude

True friends are willing to get “unfriended.” You see, friends don’t let friends violate God’s law without saying something. An old Jewish proverbs says, “A friend is someone who warns you.” We desperately need a revival of those kinds of accountable relationships today, because many of our friends are being lured into dangerous living by the deceitfulness of sin—and while there are plenty of people to cheer them on, few are willing to warn them. For the love of God, and for the right reasons, quit being afraid of being unfriended!

Going Deep // Focus: 1 Kings 1:5-10

About that time David’s son Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, began boasting, “I will make myself king.” So he provided himself with chariots and charioteers and recruited fifty men to run in front of him… Adonijah took Joab son of Zeruiah and Abiathar the priest into his confidence, and they agreed to help him become king. But Zadok the priest, Benaiah son of Jehoiada, Nathan the prophet, Shimei, Rei, and David’s personal bodyguard refused to support Adonijah. Adonijah went to the Stone of Zoheleth near the spring of En-rogel, where he sacrificed sheep, cattle, and fattened calves. He invited all his brothers—the other sons of King David—and all the royal officials of Judah. But he did not invite Nathan the prophet or Benaiah or the king’s bodyguard or his brother Solomon.

Nathan, Benaiah and Solomon got unfriended! They were blackballed, excluded from the group, not invited to the party. And that was okay. In fact, they wore their unpopularity like a badge of honor. And it was just that—a badge of honor—because to go along with Adonijah’s plan would have been to bless what God was about to curse.

Adonijah was King David’s son. He was popular, had movie star looks, and the popular support of both high-ranking officials and run of the mill citizens.

Now Adonijah’s father, King David, had never disciplined him at any time, even by asking, “Why are you doing that?” Adonijah had been born next after Absalom, and he was very handsome. (1 Kings 1:6)

He was the obvious choice to replace the aging David. Worst of all, Adonijah believed his own press, and came up with a shameless scheme to promote himself. And he had plenty of cheerleaders to encourage him along the way.

Epic fail! In one of the biggest upsets in the history of elections, the newly self-minted “king” was immediately dethroned when David learned of his son’s rebellion and instead coronated the rightful replacement to the throne, Solomon. And the “unfirended” ones, Nathan, Benaiah and Solomon, were now looking pretty good, while those who had supported Adonijah—some pretty powerful people—were now looking pretty foolish. As a matter of fact, those who cheered him on in his sin now shared in his sin—an enduring lesson we ought to take to heart.

We worry too much about getting friends—and keeping them. Not that friends are unimportant, but in this day of social media where being “friended” is everything, we have begun to worship unthinkingly at the altar of popularity. We stress over what people might think of us, of being labeled as a hater, and Lord forbid, of being “unfriended.”

And all the while, many of our so-called friends are steering their lives right into a ditch, but we don’t say anything to warn them off. A person with whom we are connected posts photos of themselves engaged in questionable behavior, or uses vile language or proudly announces they are now in a lifestyle that has been declared sin in the immutable Word of God, and we say nothing. In fact, some who know better will actually fawn all over them with “I am so proud of you” or “you gotta be true to who you are,” which is, in reality, tacit approval of our friend’s sin.

Friends don’t let friends violate God’s law without saying something. An old Jewish proverb says, “A friend is someone who warns you.” We desperately need a revival of that kind of true friendship today, because many of our friends, cheered on by the crowd, are being lured into dangerous living by the deceitfulness of sin.

Now I am not promoting that you go out of your way to be a buzz-kill, but there is a point when you need to say something. You need to risk being unpopular, of being labeled, or being “unfriended.” I am not suggesting you do that publically. Watch your motives. Go in love—and in private. But for the love of God, be a friend.

True friends are willing to be “unfriended.”

Going Deeper With God: Ask the Lord to help you love enough to confront your friends lovingly when they are drifting into behavior that God cannot bless. Remember, a friend is someone who warns you.

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What’s Your P.I.P. — Your Personal Improvement Plan?

ThanksLiving: 365 Days of Gratitude

Do you currently have anyone in your life sharpening you? Do you have people on your Personal Development Team? Are there those who are willing to call you out in order to call you up? The Bible teaches that if you are going to win at life, if you are going to grow into Christ-like character, and if you are going to be a person of impact, it will not take place apart from the help of others—close friends that God will use to sharpen you.

Going Deep // Focus: 1 Chronicles 27:32-34

Jonathan, David’s uncle, was a wise counselor to the king, a man of great insight, and a scribe. Jehiel the Hacmonite was responsible for teaching the king’s sons. Ahithophel was the royal adviser. Hushai the Arkite was the king’s friend. Ahithophel was succeeded by Jehoiada son of Benaiah and by Abiathar. Joab was commander of the king’s army.

Jackie Robinson was the first African-American to play major league baseball. And he paid a heavy price for breaking the color barrier. He faced hatred everywhere he played; fastballs at his head; runners sliding into second base with their spikes up; racial slurs would be hurled from the opposing dugouts as well as the crowds.

One day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to abuse him and Jackie just stood there at second base, humiliated. Then something dramatic happened. A southern white man who played shortstop, Pee Wee Reese, came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that one act of friendship, that arm around his shoulder saved his career. That’s a true friend!

That reminds me of the definition Henry Durbanville gave of a true friend. He said, “A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world goes out.”

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. You and I were not meant to do life alone. God has woven into the very fabric of who we are the need for community, to belong to a family. He has designed us so that we would thrive in relationship with others. That is why Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 famously says,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

The Bible definitely calls us to choose friends who will in turn call out the best in us and challenge us to be all that God wants us to be—who will serve, if you will, on our Personal Development Team. We are told in one of the most famous verses on friendship, Proverbs 27:17 (Message),

“You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.”

King David surrounded himself with people like that—Jonathan counseled him, Jehiel helped him with his family, Hushai was his close friend, Ahithophel (before he messed up) was his political advisor, Jehoiada provided a priestly influence and Joab protected him. These men helped David become and stay great!

Do you have anyone in your life sharpening you right now? Do you have people on your Personal Development Team? The Bible says you need people like that. If you are gong to win at life, if you are going to grow into the character of Christ, it will not take place apart from people—close friends that God will use to sharpen you.

I hope you have someone like that, or will get someone like that, because there’s not a one of us who should go through life without that kind of friend.

Going Deeper With God: Perhaps you would say, “But I can’t seem to find friends like you’ve described, so where do I begin?” First, you are not alone in your experience. Many people would say the same, so don’t feel that you are not worthy of close friends. Second, ask God. He made you for friendships, so he can provide them. Seriously, just ask and keep asking, because I just happen to believe that God still answers prayer. And third, make sure you are the kind of friend to others that you would want to have. As someone has humorously but correctly said, “the best vitamin for friendships is B-1.”

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Let Cooler Heads Prevail

ThanksLiving: 365 Days of Gratitude

God created us with a high capacity for passion, and that’s a wonderful thing. Much of the good that has been accomplished in the world began in passion. But while passion is a powerful spring, it’s a horrible regulator, and when it’s untempered, can do much harm. So how do you temper your passion? Internal and external controls—develop the fruit of self-control, but also give cool-headed friends access to the kill switch of your passion for those moments when your self-control get wobbly.

Going Deep // Focus: 1 Samuel 25:10-13

“Who is this fellow David?” Nabal sneered to the young men. “Who does this son of Jesse think he is? There are lots of servants these days who run away from their masters. Should I take my bread and my water and my meat that I’ve slaughtered for my shearers and give it to a band of outlaws who come from who knows where?” So David’s young men returned and told him what Nabal had said. “Get your swords!” was David’s reply as he strapped on his own. Then 400 men started off with David to kill Nabal.

David heart was on fire with passion for God—he was characteristically a man after God’s own heart. But at times, David’s heart was on fire with passion for other things, too. That got David into trouble on more than one occasion. 1 Samuel 25 is one of those occasions.

Nabal, a man whose name meant “fool,” foolishly refused to share provision with David and his men. David had politely requested it, and it would have been customary for Nabal to graciously grant such a request since David’s small army had afforded Nabal and his ranching operation protection from thieves and marauders that harassed the locals. Not only did Nabal refuse, he insulted David to the men who had made the request. When they reported back to David what this fool had said, David’s knee-jerk response was, “strap ‘em on boys, we going to make Nabal pay up—with his life.”

Now it just so happened that this brutish man, Nabal, had a lovely and wise wife, Abigail. Sensing the looming disaster, she skillfully intervenes—intercedes really—with David and averts the death of her husband and destruction of all that he owned. However, when Nabal found out what his wife had done, rather than react with gratitude, he went into such a rage that he had a stroke or a heart attack, or something really bad, and died!

Among the many streams of life application from which we might drink in this story, the one I want to call to you attention is David’s unregulated passion. Let it stand as a warning to us that when we let anger rule our emotions, we are in danger of allowing it to ruin our lives. Anger almost ruined David’s life on this occasion—had he followed through on it, he would have been guilty of murder.

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said that passion is a powerful spring, but a bad regulator. It will get you motivated, but don’t depend on it to manage you. David’s passion got away from him—he let it regulate his emotions—and it led him to the brink of doing something really dumb.

Which, by the way, I think, is why we love David so much—he was so thoroughly human. In David, we don’t get the polished ideal to which we aspire but never attain, we get a rough-edged reality in a meandering journey of spiritual transformation. And we can relate to a guy like that. You’ve got to love a guy who’s capable of unmitigated dumbness. But you certainly don’t want to follow his dumb ways. In this moment, David was full of passion but empty of God—in an instant, he’s become a fool. He was on the verge of becoming Saul.

And that is where Abigail comes in. She steps in and puts David in touch again with the beauty of God as David had done for Saul in the cave (1 Samuel 24:16-21). Through Abigail, David realized who he was, he recognized what he was about to do, and he remembered what his life was destined for. Thankfully, on that day, cooler heads prevailed.

God created us with a high capacity for passion, and that is a wonderful thing. Much of the good that has been accomplished in the world began in passion. But, as Emerson noted, while passion is a powerful spring, it is a horrible regulator, and when it is untempered, can do much harm. How do we temper our passion? Internal and external controls—we must develop the fruit of self-control internally then empower cool-headed friends externally and give them access to the kill switch of passion.

Make sure to cultivate a cool head. But on the occasion when emotions get the best of you and you shift into hothead, make sure you check in with your Abigail.
Without exception and at all times, let cooler heads prevail.

Going Deeper With God: Who is your “Abigail?” Believe, you need one, and so do I!