Synopsis: As a Christian man, if you desire the wife of noble character that Proverbs 31 describes – the truest kind of trophy wife, not because of her physical beauty and charming personality, but because of her godly virtues – then work on growing as a man of character. She will grow in response to the growth in godliness she sees in you. But even if she doesn’t, you are accountable to God to be that kind of man anyway.

Moments With God // Proverbs 31:10

Most red-blooded American men want a trophy wife. And every man deserves one! Oh, not the kind you may be conjuring up in your mind right now—the kind hot babe Hollywood has invented—with the aid of cosmetic surgeons, make-up artists, and photoshop, of course.

The one I am referring to is the kind of woman Proverbs 31 talks about. She is a trophy gal not because she has a hot bod, but a holy character. Guys, that is a longer-lasting and infinitely more rewarding kind of woman than the carefully coiffed and cosmetically crafted woman our sensual and selfish culture promotes. The culture-built woman’s looks have a shelf life of only so long, and while you are enjoying her looks, if she doesn’t have a godly character to sustain her, those looks probably won’t be that pretty after all!

If you have a woman of noble character, like me, you are a blessed man indeed. I am doubly blessed with a woman of both beauty and grace. If you are looking for a trophy wife, take my advice: Set your sites on noble character above all else. As Proverbs 31:30 says,

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Now if the wife you have, in your opinion, is not a Proverbs 31 woman, here is what I would suggest: Begin to treat her as if she were, and watch what God will do. And as he is working on her, be the man of noble character she deserves.

And if you are in a serious dating relationship, make sure your soon-to-be trophy wife will have a sugar daddy husband in you. Not the kind you are thinking, but the kind the Bible calls you to be: a man of pure and noble character himself. What kind of husband is that?

• He offers her a character that is morally pure: “your name [which represents character] is like perfume poured out [refined from all impurity].” (Song of Songs 1:3)
• He desires to know her, talk to her, and listen to her: “Husband, dwell with your wife with understanding way.” (1 Pet 3:7 NKJV)
• He refuses to control and pressure her into what he wants her to be: “Honor her, delight in her.” (1 Pet 3:7, Message)
• He serves and sacrifices for her: “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” (Ephesians 5:23, Message)
• He loves her just as Christ loved his bride, the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” (Eph 5:23, NIV)

As a husband, if you will work on growing in those areas, your wife’s noble character will grow in response to the growth she sees in you. Even if she doesn’t, you are accountable to be that kind of man anyway.

And if you are not yet married, work on being that kind of man. And if you will do that, you will not be able to keep the ladies away—the right kind of ladies!

“ Grow old with me! The best is yet to be. — ROBERT BROWNING

Synopsis: Do you lack emotional and social intelligence? Most people who do are usually not curious enough to even wonder. That is why they are stuck in relational and professional awkwardness. But if you do, then why not just go to some straight-shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!” Then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. With God’s help and good friends, you can develop self-awareness and get on the path to becoming a winsome person.

Moments With God // Proverbs 23:1-2

When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.

Some people just don’t get it! They are relatively attractive in their physical presentation, they are reasonably intelligent, and they have skill sets that should allow them to be successful. For all intents and purposes, they should be flourishing vocationally and relationally.

The problem is, that they have gaping deficits when it comes to emotional intelligence and social awareness. When it comes to knowing how to interact with people and act in certain settings, they are unaware, detached and we might even say, totally clueless. The light bulb is in the socket, but it ain’t burnin’ too bright if you know what I mean.

That’s the kind of person this proverb is describing. Although the particular emphasis here is on table manners, the greater thought has to do with both the kind of self and social awareness that will allow a person to have friends, move up the ladder of success in their career, get the kind of traction that allows them to make an impact in the world, and enjoy the life-long love a spouse who just flat out adores them and children who admire them into their own well-adjusted adulthood.

I’ve run into people like that occasionally, and invariably they will complain that they have no close friends, or that they just can’t seem to catch a break at work, or question why God doesn’t seem to provide them a serious love interest even though they’ve prayed about it. Even if they are aware of their shortcomings, some will even say, “Well, people ought to just accept me…I am what I am.”

Well, if that’s your attitude, good luck. You’ll probably be saying that to the very end when you are old, lonely, and miserable!

Here’s the deal: If perhaps after reading this you’re wondering if you lack emotional and social intelligence, why not just go to some straight shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!”

And then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. You can develop self-awareness, you know. How?

One, ask God. He is in the business of answering prayer. His indwelling Spirit wants to have more control of you, and as you yield to him, good stuff will start to happen. James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” In fact, this entire book of Proverbs was written to “impart shrewdness to the morally naive, and a discerning plan to the young person.” (Prov 1:4)

Two, ask someone who seems to be socially skilled and relationally successful for a few pointers—then start implementing their interpersonal tips in a way that is appropriate for you. The Apostle Paul exhorted his disciples, “Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” (Phil 4:9)

And three, look around. Watch people. See how others behave in social settings. That should give you a clue as to what is appropriate or not. And just a caveat here: Make sure you are in proper social settings. Be smart about it, because you’re probably not going to pick any redeeming social graces in some of the questionable places that now seem to be acceptable in our unguarded age. Again, taking our cue from Paul, “pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example.” (Phil 3:17)

You may never be the slickest person in the bunch or have the smoothness of some people—and that’s okay. But God does want you to be a person of grace—and he’s got plenty of that to give you, free of charge. No matter where you are on the emotional-social continuum, I hope you will access his unlimited supply.

Synopsis: We live in a culture where we are taught to stand up for our rights, defend ourselves, never let anyone intimidate us, if necessary (and it’s always necessary) destroy our opponent — and getting nasty to do it is now our weapon of choice. On “the street” you are tagged as weak if you let someone get away with any kind of personal offense without throwing a few nasty bombs back at your antagonist. But is it really weakness or is it wisdom to overlook an insult? King Solomon wrote that it’s to our honor to avoid strife. He also pointed out that only “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but wise people keep themselves under control.” If however, you tend toward anger and are quick to retaliate when you have been offended, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that reads, “I’m a fool.” But if you have developed the ability to control your emotions when irritated, Solomon would call you prudent, wise, honorable, and yes, even bless-able.

Moments With God // Proverbs 20:3 (NLT)

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

It’s everywhere—on talk radio, the street corner, the classroom, the ball field, in the home. People are throwing bombs, verbal bombs, that is. Rather than winning arguments through respectful persuasion, which is what wise, intelligent, mature people do, they are resorting to name-calling.

We live in a culture where we are taught to stand up for our rights, defend ourselves, never let anyone intimidate us, if necessary (and it’s always necessary) destroy your opponent — and getting nasty to do it is now our weapon of choice. On “the street,” you are tagged as weak if you let someone get away with any kind of personal offense without throwing a few nasty bombs back at your antagonist.

But is it really a weakness or is it wisdom to overlook an insult? King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived outside of Jesus Christ, wrote that it’s to our honor to avoid strife. He also pointed out that only “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11)

If you tend toward anger and are quick to retaliate when you have been offended, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that reads, “I’m a fool.” But if you have developed the ability to control your emotions when irritated, Solomon would call you prudent, wise, and honorable. He is describing a person who shows discretion, has tremendous foresight, exhibits great patience, and uses careful judgment. It is a person who takes control over their anger.

Proverbs 16:32 describes that person this way: “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” Proverbs 20:3 in the Message translation states, “It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights.”

You will most likely have the opportunity for either foolishness or prudence this week, perhaps even today, because someone has insulted or irritated you. When that happens, just remember: you were not called to retaliation—nor to foolishness, but to blessing. That’s what the Apostle Peter, a man who preferred the sword to the cross until his transformative experience with baptism in the Holy Spirit, later wrote,

Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. (1 Peter 3:9)

At this point, I think you get the point: Be honorable, be wise, be patient, be self-controlled, and be a source of blessing, even to the people who don’t deserve it. Why? Because God will bless you for it.

“ He best keeps from anger who remembers that God is always looking upon him. — PLATO

SYNOPSIS: There are plenty of people in every age, including this one, who don’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain. They’re not stupid, mind you. Some are even very intelligent, well educated, and in some respects, quite successful people. IQ is not the problem; it’s EQ—they lack emotional intelligence: They don’t do very well in relationships, mismanage emotions, lack impulse control, fail to master delayed gratification, and habitually steer into the ditch with decision-making. But you don’t have to be one of those, because the Bible promises that God grants a treasure of common sense to those who are honest, live out integrity, display fairness, and are faithful to him.

Moments With God // Proverbs 2:7

Lord grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.

The 18th-century French philosopher Voltaire wrote, “Common sense is not so common.” I wonder if he was thinking of our age when he offered that social critique. Probably not! My guess is that every age could claim that title.

Unfortunately, common sense has rarely been all that common.

The thing is, there are people aplenty in every age, including ours, who don’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain. They’re not stupid, mind you. Some are even very intelligent, well educated, and in some respects, quite successful people. IQ is not the problem; it’s EQ—they lack emotional intelligence.

These are people who don’t do very well in their relationships, mismanage their emotions, lack impulse control, have not mastered delayed gratification, and habitually steer right into the ditch in their decision-making. Again, they lack common sense.

Do you know anyone like that? I’m sure you do; images are probably flooding your mind right now! So how about you? How’s your EQ? In reality, there’s not a whole lot you can do about how others do life, but you can work on your own emotional intelligence. How? Go to God. That’s what Proverbs 2:6 says:

For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

That’s where you start. The Bible says God is quite liberal in doling out wisdom to those who lack it and are willing to ask him for it. James 1:5-8,

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Now, asking alone doesn’t guarantee a continual supply of Divine wisdom. God expects your cooperation in the attainment of emotional intelligence. The very next verse, Proverbs 2:7 says,

Lord grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.

That means the spigot to God’s wisdom will stay fully open to you if you will walk in honesty—with others, with yourself, and with the Lord, and if you will walk in integrity—the congruence of what you believe and how you behave. Furthermore, Proverbs 2:8 adds that God expects you to treat others fairly and to walk faithfully before him,

He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.

As those conditions are met—honesty, integrity, fairness, faithfulness—the Lord himself has promised to not only give you wisdom but to wrap you protectively in that wisdom. Among other things, and most importantly, that means his wisdom displayed in you will protect you even from yourself.

I like what George Barnard Shaw said: “Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.” When enough of God’s wisdom gets absorbed in your core to where common sense becomes your natural response to all of life, you will be known on earth and celebrated in heaven for the best kind of genius—your uncommon sense.

“ Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done. —“C.E.

SYNOPSIS: If a relationship goes off the rails, when is it time to, in Christ’s famous words, shake the dust off your feet and move on or to keep offering patient, unselfish, sacrificial love? The key to understanding which is appropriate is the biblical context for either option. The shake-the-dust context was hostile unbelievers and the love-is-not-selfish context was relationships in the body of Christ. Big difference! And in each context, back then and right now, God expects us to exhibit a merciful heart. Mercy, which is simply loving-kindness flowing in our thoughts, words, and actions, triumphs over judgment as we respond to both insolent unbelievers — even when divine judgment is forthcoming — as well as believers who irritate us — even when divine discipline is forthcoming. In the case of the latter, keep in mind that irritation is not the same as a moral offense — and it is wisdom to discern the difference —  so keep the default set to unselfish love.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT)

Love does not demand its own way.

Last week, after my Love Is Not Selfish post where I appealed to believers to reject the cancel culture/ghosting a friend secular mentality that has invaded the American Church, a friend wrote to me with a great question: “What about washing the dust from your feet and declaring them — evil people — a lost cause, as Paul wrote in the New Testament?”

So let me clarify my thoughts. As always, context is king. In 1 Corinthians, Paul is generally speaking to issues and abuses among brothers and sisters in the Corinthian church, and there were a bunch!

Specifically, in chapter 13, Paul is talking about propriety in worship: how the believers are to carry out loving relationships within that church and how they are to offer their everyday lives as an offering to God (which, broadly, is what worship truly is, see Romans 12:1-2) as well as how they are to lift their praise in songs and through spiritual gifts during corporate gatherings (which is worship narrowly defined). In the case of worship, both broadly and narrowly defined, they are to treat each other with the deferential, edifying love Paul describes in chapter 13, which he defines in verses 4-8a,

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.…love goes on forever.

From this context, we then can apply that deferential love to general Christian brother and sister relationships, as I am doing in these “Love Is” blog posts. When a relationship in that context goes off the rails because of indisputable moral grievances (and not just things that rub our preferences the wrong way), in Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus gave us a process for taking the conflict to church leaders for resolution.

According to Jesus, to resolve a conflict with a God-honoring outcome, the most foundational and critical principle that must be followed comes from His opening words: “If a brother sins against you.” The operative word is “if.” That is, the offended party must assess whether the offense was truly a sin, or if it was simply an act that irritated or violated their personal preferences.

In my experience facilitating conflict resolution, much of what people find offensive never rises to the level of a sin that needs to be confronted. In these cases, the offended party was, in reality, the culprit, and simply needed to grow thicker skin, develop greater tolerance, and/or learn to more effectively communicate their upset with the offender with grace and love.

Jesus also provided another essential to conflict resolution: once it has been determined that the offense was indeed the result of a sin, the issue is to first be addressed privately, just between the two parties. Too many people are quick to jump past this hoop and go right to group involvement. If you have not first addressed your hurt with the offender, do not take it to others and try to get them on your side. God will not honor that kind of action, and it will not produce what God desires most within His family: reconciliation in broken relationships.

However, Jesus does provide a clause by which others should be drawn into the dispute if the sinning party won’t listen to you. That is when others may need to be brought in to mediate and reconcile the offense. These participants should be godly and objective representatives of Christ’s church (not necessarily church officials, but simply mature, respectable Christians, although church leaders do, or should, carry the weight of final authority in disputes). And here is something very important that believers must recognize: Christ himself has placed His mantle of authority on this group to settle the dispute and if need be, administer discipline to an unrepentant brother or sister—discipline that will stand up even in the courts of heaven: What you bind on earth is bound in heaven; what you release on earth is released in heaven. (Matthew 18:18)

A final essential piece to conflict resolution is that the desired outcome is restoration. Jesus said, “If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” Unfortunately, some people believe that getting what they want is the goal. It is not. Resolving the dispute, forgiving the offense, restoring the relationship, and preserving the harmony of the church is the outcome most honoring to God.

You can read more on Jesus’ approach to conflict resolution in a blog I wrote.

Now about “Shake the dust off your feet.” This is an altogether different context, which has to do with proclaiming the gospel and calling for repentance to a resistant, if not hostile, group of unbelieving people. Only when you have exhausted your gospel appeal can you then proclaim God’s judgment and walk away. Yet even then we must remember how Jesus modeled the proclamation of impending judgment to an unbelieving city: He wept over Jerusalem when she had rejected him? “O Jerusalem, how I would gather you as a hen gathers her brood under her wings … but now your city will be left desolate.” (Matt 23:37) There was no glee as Jesus announced judgment; rather, love is still pouring forth from His broken heart.

So, the context of both “love is not selfish” and “shake the dust off your feet” is the key to balancing when to nurture a loving relationship with someone who has offended you and when to proclaim loving judgment upon a hostile unbeliever. Mercy, which is nothing more than loving-kindness flowing from our hearts, triumphs over judgment as we respond to both wayward believers— even though loving discipline is on the way, as well as wicked unbelievers — even though God’s righteous judgment is on the way.

“ You are truly wise if you understand that everything offending you is not a moral offense. — RAY NOAH

SYNOPSIS: We live in an age of outrage. The grievance industry is alive and well. Say the wrong thing and you’ll get canceled. And if you think that’s outside the church, think again! Over the past few weeks, I’ve interviewed dozens of pastors from around the country who’ve told of too many heartbreaking stories of church members who’ve been ghosted, canceled, and met with hostility by other “believing” family members and church friends these past two years over politics, pandemic protocols, and cultural concerns. And all of them, like me, have personally experienced the same. What selfishness! Friends, this ought not to be in Christ’s family! Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member or express outrage when people don’t believe like you, vote like you, or please you. Love does not demand its own way.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT)

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not selfish. You would agree, right?

But think of the selfish nature of our current culture, not only outside but inside the church, which is supposed to be the family of God, characterized by followers of Jesus loving each other no matter what, being loyal to each other no matter what, expecting the best of each other, no matter what, standing their ground in defending each other, no matter what.

“Ghosting” a friend. Cancel culture. The age of outrage. If you think that’s outside the church, think again! Over the past few weeks, I’ve interviewed two dozen pastors from around the country who’ve told of too many heartbreaking stories of church members who’ve been ghosted, canceled, met with hostility by other “believing” family members and church friends these past two years over politics, pandemic protocols, and cultural concerns. And all of them, like me, have personally experienced the same.

What of Christ is there in that?

Friends, there’s no place for this in the Body of Christ. Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member. It doesn’t demand that people believe like you, vote like you, or live their lives to please you. Love does not demand its own way.

But if you have, I admonish you to repent before God and go to that person you’ve treated unlovingly and ask for their forgiveness. Listen: a friend is born for adversity (even adversity in the relationship), family loves at all times (even when you disagree over mandates or candidates), and unity in Christ is far more important than any temporal earthly concern (including current political beliefs).

Love never, ever demands its own way!

Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member or express outrage when people don’t believe like you, vote like you, or please you. Love does not demand its own way.

#afriendisbornforadversity

“ Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! — SOLOMON

SYNOPSIS: What explains the nasty, age of outrage, knee-jerk cancel culture that America now is? How about a growing culture of contempt. And while it’s easy to fall into that cultural pattern, as Christ-followers, we’re called to banish contempt, which reveals itself in the form of rudeness, which in turn expresses its ugly self in the form of putdowns, sarcasm, and angry outbursts. Rudeness, along with its foot soldiers, must be ruthlessly removed from our bag of responses, whether nursed in our minds, spoken through our words, or delivered by our actions. It matters not if our rudeness is directed at a spouse, a sibling, a coworker, a friend, the President, or to no one in particular on a social media post, love is NEVER rude; rather it is ALWAYS kind and patient and gentle and good and uplifting. If you will choose to be a person who always builds up and never puts down, you will be a conduit of agape love! (I Cor 8:1; 13:4)

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NLT)

Love is … not rude.

Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength, as Eric Hoffer noted. Just remember that when you have been treated rudely, or when you are tempted to treat someone rudely.

In reality, rudeness is nothing more than a thinly veiled and poorly disguised form of anger. And, unfortunately, it seems to be the gateway drug to other, worse ways that we treat people. Rudeness can turn to anger, spite, derision, contempt, and eventually to “canceling” (currently, the cultural response du jour), another person from our lives. All of the above, I believe, fit into what Jesus warned against in Matthew 5:22,

But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Often our rudeness is the gateway drug for other nastiness. It morphs into disdain for others, which then becomes derision, and in turn the conduit of words flung at or about another usually through name-calling and put-downs. In the Greek text of Matthew, Jesus used the word “Raca,” which literally meant, “you nobody…you empty head.” It’s like the oft-used put-downs, “he’s an airhead,” or “she a dumb blond.”

Those kinds of put-downs aren’t so much about the lack of intelligence of the person to whom they’re directed, but the rudeness of the person from which they came. It’s a particularly nasty form of contempt for another human being that has no place among God’s people.

But even worse, Jesus says, is when we express our disdain for someone, whether it comes in the form of rudeness or out-and-out rage, in a way that poisons their reputation in the eyes of others. Jesus says we do that when we call someone a “fool”. The Greek word is moros; the word moron comes from it. Moros refers not so much to the content in a person’s head—or lack thereof—but the content of their character—what makes them who they are! It’s the worst kind of murder of all: to assassinate another’s character; to murder their reputation; to kill their standing in the eyes of others.

Have you ever become so disgusted with someone that you can’t stand the sight of them—or disliked their personality so much that you snarl when you use their name? Have you expressed derision for the president lately or some other political leader who turns your stomach? When you think of others with whom you completely disagree, are your thoughts about them full of disgust and contempt? Jesus says that kind of rudeness on steroids is a killer of relationships.

Back in 1994, U. S. News and World Report presented some research about married couples who either stayed together or split up during their first decade of marriage. Interestingly, those who endured and those who didn’t looked remarkably similar in the early days. But they found a very subtle difference: Among couples who ultimately stayed together, 5 out of every 100 comments made about each other were put-downs. Among couples who split up, 10 of every 100 comments were insults. But that gap grew wider over the following decade, until unhealthy couples were flinging five times the put-downs as healthy couples. The researchers concluded: “Hostile putdowns act as cancerous cells that, if unchecked, erode the relationship over time.”

Rudeness, in whatever form, acts as cancerous cells that erode any relationship over time. It will erode the love to which we are called as Christ-followers to demonstrate toward all people. And in the end, it will erode the heart of the one who is rude.

We live in a culture of contempt—and it’s easy to fall in line with that pattern—but we’re called to banish rudeness, putdowns, sarcasm, anger, and contempt from our response to others, whether it is just in our thoughts or it comes through our words or it is delivered through our actions. Whether toward a spouse or a sibling or a coworker or the president or any other person, love is never rude but it is always kind and patient and gentle and good and uplifting.

As Ephesians 4:32 reminds us, let’s “be kind and compassionate to one another.”

If rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength, choose today to show how truly strong you are by choosing kindness, patience, gentleness, goodness, and encouragement in your actions and reactions. That is love!

“ When people are rude to you, they reveal who they are, not who you are. — UNKNOWN

SYNOPSIS: You cannot be loving and prideful at the same time. One destroys the other. You see, pride blinds us to the world around us—and to the world within us. It makes us think others are worse than they are and we are better than we are. And if that weren’t bad enough, it blinds us to God—to who He is, to what He is doing, and to what He wants from us. In reality, pride blinds us to our own pride, and that is what makes it so destructive. That is why the God of love hates pride. We should, too, especially our own pride.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NLT)

Love is … not proud.

It is helpful to remember that Paul is describing love, both positively (it is patient, kind, truth-loving, determined, faithful, hopeful, and enduring) and negatively (it is not jealous, boastful, proud, rude, selfish, irritable, resentful, or unjust) in the context of Christian worship and service. While this can be applied to marriage, family, and friendships, the primary application is how those in the body of Christ are to relate to one another.

As Paul teaches elsewhere, Christ-followers are to, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Rom 12:10) Jesus said the preeminent quality that will draw the world’s attention to him will be the love his disciples display to each other: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

That high call to love, wherever it is found in the New Testament writings, requires an attitude of humility, servanthood, and selflessness and is therefore impossible when human pride resides in the heart. How is that?

Pride blinds us to the world around us … and to the world within us. It makes us think others are worse than they are and we are better than we are. And if that weren’t bad enough, it blinds us to God—to who He is, to what He is doing, and to what He wants from us. In reality, pride blinds us to our own pride, and that is what makes it so destructive.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis noted, “A proud person is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”

Ultimately, our pride’s ability to blind will lead us to the opposite of love: a life of lovelessness, insensitivity, judgment attitudes, and even hatred, which is simply a life that doesn’t proactively demonstrate love. Lewis went on to say that at the end of the day, without proactive love, “we shall insist on seeing everything—God and our friends and ourselves included—as bad, and not be able to stop doing it: we shall be fixed for ever in a universe of pure hatred.”

Lewis then described the corrosive effects of human pride:

Suppose one reads a story of filthy atrocities in the paper. Then suppose that something turns up suggesting that the story might not be quite true, or not quite so bad as it was made out. Is one’s first feeling, ‘Thank God, even they aren’t quite so bad as that,’ or is it a feeling of disappointment, and even a determination to cling to the first story for the sheer pleasure of thinking your enemies are as bad as possible? If it is the second then it is, I am afraid, the first step in a process which, if followed to the end, will make us into devils. You see, one is beginning to wish that black was a little blacker. If we give that wish its head, later on we shall wish to see grey as black, and then to see white itself as black.

That is how we begin to see others as bad and not be able to stop doing it. We become judgmental, critical, harsh, and superior. Sadly, that is how we become forever fixed in a universe where lovelessness rules our lives.

And that is why pride is the core of all sin, why it is so dangerous, and why the God of love hates it so viscerally and vociferously! Don’t believe me, consider the following verses

I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. (Prov 8:13)

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. (Prov 11:2)

The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. (Prov 16:5)

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Prov 16:18)

What do those verses say about you and me and our propensity for pride? Again, simply this: you cannot exhibit God’s love if you tolerate pride in your life. One will destroy the other.

So at all costs, make sure love wins in your life!

“ Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you. — ANDREW MURRAY

SYNOPSIS: Are your opinions a conduit for arrogance? 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that true love, the kind of love that emanates from God, the kind of love that Christ-followers are to model, is never arrogant. That is, it never struts, never gets a big head, and it never powers up on another. So, how does that play out in the real world of your daily life? Well, I’d say more practically than you’d think. For example, take how you express your opinions. The arrogance that fuels an uninvited, unhelpful, and often uninformed view plows right through the flashing yellow lights of human relationships without pumping the brakes, leaving a trail of relational wreckage — usually in the name of “speaking the truth in love.” And in this age of social media, where there are no flashing lights warning us of dangerous relational curves ahead, isn’t there a lot of that? Whether you are on the receiving end of another’s view, or you are giving your own, keep in mind that an opinion is not divinely inspired, and therefore it may or may not be the truth. And for sure, if offered without gentleness, respect, humility, and grace, it is not loving. True love knows when to speak — and to speak with gentleness, respect, humility, and grace — and just as importantly, when not to speak. Here’s the deal: You have a right to your opinion, but you don’t have a duty to share every thought that pops into your head. So, go ahead and have an opinion, but stay alert to the arrogance that 1 Corinthians 13:4 is calling out if you want to incarnate Christ-hearted love.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (HCSV)

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited.

Check out these various Bible translations—each of them faithful to the original text—of the Apostle Paul’s rendering of the second clause of 1 Corinthians 13:4,

Love is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. (J. B. Phillips)

Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, and isn’t always ‘me first.’ (Message)

Love doesn’t flaunt itself. (Modern English Version)

Now I have not been around too many braggadocious, mouthy egomaniacs—thank God—because this verse indicates that those kinds of people, no matter how they try to spin it, are not loving. Not like Jesus, anyway, which is the only kind of love the Christ-follower ought to pursue.

Yet I have been around a fair amount of believers who live with the opinion that their opinion is the only opinion that matters. And they are more than happy to share it—even if it is uninvited. And they do so without the slightest bit of self-awareness they are not obligated to share it, or that others’ opinions are equally worthy of sharing as their own.

I would say those kinds of people—and I hope you are not one of them … and if I am, I hope you will have the freedom to let me know (lovingly, of course)—have a love problem. Their need to share their opinions drags their “love” down into the category of boastful, self-inflated, needing to be impressive, strutting, me first, and flaunting. Listen to how The Passion Translation renders verse 4:

Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. (TPT)

So, here’s the deal: you have a right to have opinions, but it’s not your duty to share them in an unfiltered way. George Eliot warns of “always making [others] a ‘present’ of your opinions.” The arrogance that fuels an uninvited and unhelpful (and often uninformed) view plows right through the flashing yellow lights of human relationships without pumping the brakes, leaving a trail of wreckage—usually in the name of “speaking the truth in love.” Because it is an opinion, it may or may not be the truth, but for sure, it is not loving.

True love knows when to speak—and to speak with gentleness, humility, and grace—and just as importantly, when not to speak. Go ahead and have an opinion but stay alert to arrogance if you want to incarnate Christ-hearted love.

Why does the Apostle Paul feel the need to point out that love is neither braggadocious nor prideful? Simply because love is selfless, it puts others first, and it edifies the object it loves. Boasting and pride reveal a self-focus that belies corrosive insecurity and a spirit of scarcity. The famed preacher W. Graham Scroggie wrote,

Boasting is always an advertisement of poverty.

Make sure that early and often, you willingly put the people in your life ahead of you!

SYNOPSIS: Jealousy — ubiquitous among humanity (a fancy way of saying we all struggle with it) — desires to possess what another has: their looks, their lovers, their likes on social media, their popularity, their possessions, their achievements, their accolades, you name it. However, our jealous feelings say more about us than those whose things we covet. In reality, jealousy simply disguises our own insecurities. Worse still, it becomes a tool of Satan, whose leading motivation is jealousy. But the Christ-follower is to be different. Scripture is very clear that “love is not jealous.” So, to combat the possessive love-killer called jealousy and send it packing, we must learn to risk all we have to give for the benefit of those of whom we are jealous. Today, get rid of jealousy by risking what you have to give: your un-jealous love!

Making Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…Love never fails.

Love–agape love, the love that emanates from God’s being—is not jealous. If you truly love a person, then in the passive sense, you will never be envious of who they are and what they have. In the active sense, you will not allow their successes or possessions or looks to lead you to feel insecure about yourself, then allow that feeling to metastasize into fear, bitterness, suspicion, humiliation, plotting, and rage.

Think of how much damage jealousy has unleashed throughout human history. Two classic examples are found in scripture—one in the Old Testament and the other in the New. In Genesis 37:10-12, we are told that Joseph’s brothers were jealous of their father’s favoritism toward Joseph, of the ornate coat he had given him, of Joseph’s dreams of superiority over his brothers. Because they didn’t have what Joseph had, they sold him into slavery. And even that was a far cry better than what they initially plotted to do—to murder him. Then in the New Testament, Matthew 27:16-20 informs us that the Jewish leaders handed Jesus over to Pilate to be crucified because they were jealous of him.

The poet John Milton said that envy is the devil’s own emotion. Oscar Wilde tells the story of the devil “crossing the Libyan Desert, [when] he came upon a spot where a number of small fiends were tormenting a holy hermit. The sainted man easily shook off their evil suggestions. The devil watched their failure and then he stepped forward to give them a lesson. ‘What you do is too crude,’ he said. ‘Permit me for one moment.’ With that he whispered to [the] holy man, ‘Your brother has just been made [the] Bishop of Alexandria.’ A scowl of malignant jealousy at once clouded the serene face of the hermit. ‘That,’ said the devil to his imps, ‘is the sort of thing … I [would] recommend.’” (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Memories and Adventures, 66)

So ubiquitous is the sin of jealousy in the human race that there was even an offering for it in the Old Testament (Numbers 5). Yet jealousy is arguably the hardest sin to recognize and admit to in ourselves. But it’s everywhere; it’s universal. And mark it down: unchecked jealousy eventually leads to relational tragedy.

James 3:16 says, “Where you have envy … there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

Jealousy leads us to do evil. It’s why Cain killed Abel. Abraham’s two sons, Isaac and Ishmael, were torn apart by jealous rivalry. Bitter envy separated Isaac’s two sons, Jacob and Esau. The jealousy of Jacob’s twelve sons rips the family apart. It’s why Saul tried to kill David.

It is throughout the Bible, from beginning to end. And it is still at work in the world today. It is destroying families, killing friendships, ruining community, shrinking hearts, wrecking lives—and it is at work in you and me. Nobody gets a pass on jealousy!

Jealousy desires to possess what another has – their love, success, things, popularity, social media likes, Instagram followers, you name it. But in truth, jealous thoughts and feelings are simply insecurities disguised. However, scripture bluntly tells us that we cannot be both loving and jealous. As Dorothy Sayers said of the mutual exclusivity of love and jealousy,

We can’t possess one another. We can only give and hazard all we have.

And that, my friends, is the way to deal with the problem of jealousy: get rid of it by risking what you have to give—your un-jealous love!

“ Envy slays itself by its own arrows. —GREEK PROVERB