Category Archives: Relationship-Friendship

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Trophy Wife

She Deserves A Trophy Husband

Synopsis: As a Christian man, if you desire the wife of noble character that Proverbs 31 describes – the truest kind of trophy wife, not because of her physical beauty and charming personality, but because of her godly virtues – then work on growing as a man of character. She will grow in response to the growth in godliness she sees in you. But even if she doesn’t, you are accountable to God to be that kind of man anyway.

Moments With God // Proverbs 31:10

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Most red-blooded American men want a trophy wife. And every man deserves one! Oh, not the kind you may be conjuring up in your mind right now—the kind hot babe Hollywood has invented—with the aid of cosmetic surgeons, make-up artists, and photoshop, of course.

The one I am referring to is the kind of woman Proverbs 31 talks about. She is a trophy gal not because she has a hot bod, but a holy character. Guys, that is a longer-lasting and infinitely more rewarding kind of woman than the carefully coiffed and cosmetically crafted woman our sensual and selfish culture promotes. The culture-built woman’s looks have a shelf life of only so long, and while you are enjoying her looks, if she doesn’t have a godly character to sustain her, those looks probably won’t be that pretty after all!

If you have a woman of noble character, like me, you are a blessed man indeed. I am doubly blessed with a woman of both beauty and grace. If you are looking for a trophy wife, take my advice: Set your sites on noble character above all else. As Proverbs 31:30 says,

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Now if the wife you have, in your opinion, is not a Proverbs 31 woman, here is what I would suggest: Begin to treat her as if she were, and watch what God will do. And as he is working on her, be the man of noble character she deserves.

And if you are in a serious dating relationship, make sure your soon-to-be trophy wife will have a sugar daddy husband in you. Not the kind you are thinking, but the kind the Bible calls you to be: a man of pure and noble character himself. What kind of husband is that?

  • He offers her a character that is morally pure: “your name [which represents character] is like perfume poured out [refined from all impurity].” (Song of Songs 1:3)
  • He desires to know her, talk to her, and listen to her: “Husband, dwell with your wife with understanding way.” (1 Pet 3:7 NKJV)
  • He refuses to control and pressure her into what he wants her to be: “Honor her, delight in her.” (1 Pet 3:7, Message)
  • He serves and sacrifices for her: “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” (Ephesians 5:23, Message)
  • He loves her just as Christ loved his bride, the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” (Eph 5:23, NIV)

As a husband, if you will work on growing in those areas, your wife’s noble character will grow in response to the growth she sees in you. Even if she doesn’t, you are accountable to be that kind of man anyway.

And if you are not yet married, work on being that kind of man. And if you will do that, you will not be able to keep the ladies away—the right kind of ladies!

Take A Moment: If you are a wife, develop a set of growth points from Proverbs 31. If you are a husband, develop your set from Ephesians 5:25-33.

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Getting Unstuck From Relational Kindergarten

Social Intelligence

Synopsis: Do you lack emotional and social intelligence? Most people who do are usually not curious enough to even wonder. That is why they are stuck in relational and professional awkwardness. But if you do, then why not just go to some straight-shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!” Then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. With God’s help and good friends, you can develop self-awareness and get on the path to becoming a winsome person.

Moments With God // Proverbs 23:1-2

When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.

Some people just don’t get it! They are relatively attractive in their physical presentation, they are reasonably intelligent, and they have skill sets that should allow them to be successful. For all intents and purposes, they should be flourishing vocationally and relationally.

The problem is, that they have gaping deficits when it comes to emotional intelligence and social awareness. When it comes to knowing how to interact with people and act in certain settings, they are unaware, detached and we might even say, totally clueless. The light bulb is in the socket, but it ain’t burnin’ too bright if you know what I mean.

That’s the kind of person this proverb is describing. Although the particular emphasis here is on table manners, the greater thought has to do with both the kind of self and social awareness that will allow a person to have friends, move up the ladder of success in their career, get the kind of traction that allows them to make an impact in the world, and enjoy the life-long love a spouse who just flat out adores them and children who admire them into their own well-adjusted adulthood.

I’ve run into people like that occasionally, and invariably they will complain that they have no close friends, or that they just can’t seem to catch a break at work, or question why God doesn’t seem to provide them a serious love interest even though they’ve prayed about it. Even if they are aware of their shortcomings, some will even say, “Well, people ought to just accept me…I am what I am.”

Well, if that’s your attitude, good luck. You’ll probably be saying that to the very end when you are old, lonely, and miserable!

Here’s the deal: If perhaps after reading this you’re wondering if you lack emotional and social intelligence, why not just go to some straight shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!”

And then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. You can develop self-awareness, you know. How?

One, ask God. He is in the business of answering prayer. His indwelling Spirit wants to have more control of you, and as you yield to him, good stuff will start to happen. James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” In fact, this entire book of Proverbs was written to “impart shrewdness to the morally naive, and a discerning plan to the young person.” (Prov 1:4)

Two, ask someone who seems to be socially skilled and relationally successful for a few pointers—then start implementing their interpersonal tips in a way that is appropriate for you. The Apostle Paul exhorted his disciples, “Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” (Phil 4:9)

And three, look around. Watch people. See how others behave in social settings. That should give you a clue as to what is appropriate or not. And just a caveat here: Make sure you are in proper social settings. Be smart about it, because you’re probably not going to pick any redeeming social graces in some of the questionable places that now seem to be acceptable in our unguarded age. Again, taking our cue from Paul, “pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example.” (Phil 3:17)

You may never be the slickest person in the bunch or have the smoothness of some people—and that’s okay. But God does want you to be a person of grace—and he’s got plenty of that to give you, free of charge. No matter where you are on the emotional-social continuum, I hope you will access his unlimited supply.

Much of the book of Proverbs has to do with our personal development, and the truth is, not too many people have the personal fortitude and self-awareness to pull off growth in these areas on their own. Most of us need a partner to hold our feet to the fire for personal growth. So I challenge you to not let another week go by without bringing someone onto your personal development team.

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Counterintuitive Blessing

Give A Beatdown, Lose Your Blessing

Synopsis: We live in a culture where we are taught to stand up for our rights, defend ourselves, never let anyone intimidate us, if necessary (and it’s always necessary) destroy our opponent — and getting nasty to do it is now our weapon of choice. On “the street” you are tagged as weak if you let someone get away with any kind of personal offense without throwing a few nasty bombs back at your antagonist. But is it really weakness or is it wisdom to overlook an insult? King Solomon wrote that it’s to our honor to avoid strife. He also pointed out that only “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but wise people keep themselves under control.” If however, you tend toward anger and are quick to retaliate when you have been offended, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that reads, “I’m a fool.” But if you have developed the ability to control your emotions when irritated, Solomon would call you prudent, wise, honorable, and yes, even bless-able.

Moments With God // Proverbs 20:3 (NLT)

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

It’s everywhere—on talk radio, the street corner, the classroom, the ball field, in the home. People are throwing bombs, verbal bombs, that is. Rather than winning arguments through respectful persuasion, which is what wise, intelligent, mature people do, they are resorting to name-calling.

We live in a culture where we are taught to stand up for our rights, defend ourselves, never let anyone intimidate us, if necessary (and it’s always necessary) destroy your opponent — and getting nasty to do it is now our weapon of choice. On “the street,” you are tagged as weak if you let someone get away with any kind of personal offense without throwing a few nasty bombs back at your antagonist.

But is it really a weakness or is it wisdom to overlook an insult? King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived outside of Jesus Christ, wrote that it’s to our honor to avoid strife. He also pointed out that only “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11)

If you tend toward anger and are quick to retaliate when you have been offended, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that reads, “I’m a fool.” But if you have developed the ability to control your emotions when irritated, Solomon would call you prudent, wise, and honorable. He is describing a person who shows discretion, has tremendous foresight, exhibits great patience, and uses careful judgment. It is a person who takes control over their anger.

Proverbs 16:32 describes that person this way: “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” Proverbs 20:3 in the Message translation states, “It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights.”

You will most likely have the opportunity for either foolishness or prudence this week, perhaps even today, because someone has insulted or irritated you. When that happens, just remember: you were not called to retaliation—nor to foolishness, but to blessing. That’s what the Apostle Peter, a man who preferred the sword to the cross until his transformative experience with baptism in the Holy Spirit, later wrote,

Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. (1 Peter 3:9)

At this point, I think you get the point: Be honorable, be wise, be patient, be self-controlled, and be a source of blessing, even to the people who don’t deserve it. Why? Because God will bless you for it.

Take A Moment: If you struggle with impatience, quarreling, and anger, then consider offering this prayer: Lord, increase my patience this week with those who would irritate or insult me. Remind me as many times as needed that I have been called to give out blessing to those who would curse me. Enable me through your indwelling Spirit to love them just as you love me even when I have offended you.

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(Un)Common Sense

How To Develop Your EQ

SYNOPSIS: There are plenty of people in every age, including this one, who don’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain. They’re not stupid, mind you. Some are even very intelligent, well educated, and in some respects, quite successful people. IQ is not the problem; it’s EQ—they lack emotional intelligence: They don’t do very well in relationships, mismanage emotions, lack impulse control, fail to master delayed gratification, and habitually steer into the ditch with decision-making. But you don’t have to be one of those, because the Bible promises that God grants a treasure of common sense to those who are honest, live out integrity, display fairness, and are faithful to him.

Article: Uncommon Sense

Moments With God // Proverbs 2:7

Lord grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.

The 18th-century French philosopher Voltaire wrote, “Common sense is not so common.” I wonder if he was thinking of our age when he offered that social critique. Probably not! My guess is that every age could claim that title.

Unfortunately, common sense has rarely been all that common.

The thing is, there are people aplenty in every age, including ours, who don’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain. They’re not stupid, mind you. Some are even very intelligent, well educated, and in some respects, quite successful people. IQ is not the problem; it’s EQ—they lack emotional intelligence.

These are people who don’t do very well in their relationships, mismanage their emotions, lack impulse control, have not mastered delayed gratification, and habitually steer right into the ditch in their decision-making. Again, they lack common sense.

Do you know anyone like that? I’m sure you do; images are probably flooding your mind right now! So how about you? How’s your EQ? In reality, there’s not a whole lot you can do about how others do life, but you can work on your own emotional intelligence. How? Go to God. That’s what Proverbs 2:6 says:

For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

That’s where you start. The Bible says God is quite liberal in doling out wisdom to those who lack it and are willing to ask him for it. James 1:5-8,

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Now, asking alone doesn’t guarantee a continual supply of Divine wisdom. God expects your cooperation in the attainment of emotional intelligence. The very next verse, Proverbs 2:7 says,

Lord grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.

That means the spigot to God’s wisdom will stay fully open to you if you will walk in honesty—with others, with yourself, and with the Lord, and if you will walk in integrity—the congruence of what you believe and how you behave. Furthermore, Proverbs 2:8 adds that God expects you to treat others fairly and to walk faithfully before him,

He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.

As those conditions are met—honesty, integrity, fairness, faithfulness—the Lord himself has promised to not only give you wisdom but to wrap you protectively in that wisdom. Among other things, and most importantly, that means his wisdom displayed in you will protect you even from yourself.

I like what George Barnard Shaw said: “Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.” When enough of God’s wisdom gets absorbed in your core to where common sense becomes your natural response to all of life, you will be known on earth and celebrated in heaven for the best kind of genius—your uncommon sense.

Take A Moment: For the next seven days, discipline yourself to stop before every decision, every response to people, and every emotional reaction to first ask, “what would wisdom have me to do?” Then do it. It might be clumsy at first but stick with it until good sense becomes common for you.

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Are There Limits To Unselfish Love?

Love Is Not Selfish—Some Clarifying Thoughts

SYNOPSIS: If a relationship goes off the rails, when is it time to, in Christ’s famous words, shake the dust off your feet and move on or to keep offering patient, unselfish, sacrificial love? The key to understanding which is appropriate is the biblical context for either option. The shake-the-dust context was hostile unbelievers and the love-is-not-selfish context was relationships in the body of Christ. Big difference! And in each context, back then and right now, God expects us to exhibit a merciful heart. Mercy, which is simply loving-kindness flowing in our thoughts, words, and actions, triumphs over judgment as we respond to both insolent unbelievers — even when divine judgment is forthcoming — as well as believers who irritate us — even when divine discipline is forthcoming. In the case of the latter, keep in mind that irritation is not the same as a moral offense — and it is wisdom to discern the difference —  so keep the default set to unselfish love.

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT)

Love does not demand its own way.

Last week, after my Love Is Not Selfish post where I appealed to believers to reject the cancel culture/ghosting a friend secular mentality that has invaded the American Church, a friend wrote to me with a great question: “What about washing the dust from your feet and declaring them — evil people — a lost cause, as Paul wrote in the New Testament?”

So let me clarify my thoughts. As always, context is king. In 1 Corinthians, Paul is generally speaking to issues and abuses among brothers and sisters in the Corinthian church, and there were a bunch!

Specifically, in chapter 13, Paul is talking about propriety in worship: how the believers are to carry out loving relationships within that church and how they are to offer their everyday lives as an offering to God (which, broadly, is what worship truly is, see Romans 12:1-2) as well as how they are to lift their praise in songs and through spiritual gifts during corporate gatherings (which is worship narrowly defined). In the case of worship, both broadly and narrowly defined, they are to treat each other with the deferential, edifying love Paul describes in chapter 13, which he defines in verses 4-8a,

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.…love goes on forever.

From this context, we then can apply that deferential love to general Christian brother and sister relationships, as I am doing in these “Love Is” blog posts. When a relationship in that context goes off the rails because of indisputable moral grievances (and not just things that rub our preferences the wrong way), in Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus gave us a process for taking the conflict to church leaders for resolution.

According to Jesus, to resolve a conflict with a God-honoring outcome, the most foundational and critical principle that must be followed comes from His opening words: “If a brother sins against you.” The operative word is “if.” That is, the offended party must assess whether the offense was truly a sin, or if it was simply an act that irritated or violated their personal preferences.

In my experience facilitating conflict resolution, much of what people find offensive never rises to the level of a sin that needs to be confronted. In these cases, the offended party was, in reality, the culprit, and simply needed to grow thicker skin, develop greater tolerance, and/or learn to more effectively communicate their upset with the offender with grace and love.

Jesus also provided another essential to conflict resolution: once it has been determined that the offense was indeed the result of a sin, the issue is to first be addressed privately, just between the two parties. Too many people are quick to jump past this hoop and go right to group involvement. If you have not first addressed your hurt with the offender, do not take it to others and try to get them on your side. God will not honor that kind of action, and it will not produce what God desires most within His family: reconciliation in broken relationships.

However, Jesus does provide a clause by which others should be drawn into the dispute if the sinning party won’t listen to you. That is when others may need to be brought in to mediate and reconcile the offense. These participants should be godly and objective representatives of Christ’s church (not necessarily church officials, but simply mature, respectable Christians, although church leaders do, or should, carry the weight of final authority in disputes). And here is something very important that believers must recognize: Christ himself has placed His mantle of authority on this group to settle the dispute and if need be, administer discipline to an unrepentant brother or sister—discipline that will stand up even in the courts of heaven: What you bind on earth is bound in heaven; what you release on earth is released in heaven. (Matthew 18:18)

A final essential piece to conflict resolution is that the desired outcome is restoration. Jesus said, “If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” Unfortunately, some people believe that getting what they want is the goal. It is not. Resolving the dispute, forgiving the offense, restoring the relationship, and preserving the harmony of the church is the outcome most honoring to God.

You can read more on Jesus’ approach to conflict resolution in a blog I wrote.

Now about “Shake the dust off your feet.” This is an altogether different context, which has to do with proclaiming the gospel and calling for repentance to a resistant, if not hostile, group of unbelieving people. Only when you have exhausted your gospel appeal can you then proclaim God’s judgment and walk away. Yet even then we must remember how Jesus modeled the proclamation of impending judgment to an unbelieving city: He wept over Jerusalem when she had rejected him? “O Jerusalem, how I would gather you as a hen gathers her brood under her wings … but now your city will be left desolate.” (Matt 23:37) There was no glee as Jesus announced judgment; rather, love is still pouring forth from His broken heart.

So, the context of both “love is not selfish” and “shake the dust off your feet” is the key to balancing when to nurture a loving relationship with someone who has offended you and when to proclaim loving judgment upon a hostile unbeliever. Mercy, which is nothing more than loving-kindness flowing from our hearts, triumphs over judgment as we respond to both wayward believers— even though loving discipline is on the way, as well as wicked unbelievers — even though God’s righteous judgment is on the way.

Take A Moment: Check out my post Merciful Judgment for a deeper look at this idea of merciful judgment.

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Unselfish Love Is True Love

Loving People Don't Demand Their Own Way

SYNOPSIS: We live in an age of outrage. The grievance industry is alive and well. Say the wrong thing and you’ll get canceled. And if you think that’s outside the church, think again! Over the past few weeks, I’ve interviewed dozens of pastors from around the country who’ve told of too many heartbreaking stories of church members who’ve been ghosted, canceled, and met with hostility by other “believing” family members and church friends these past two years over politics, pandemic protocols, and cultural concerns. And all of them, like me, have personally experienced the same. What selfishness! Friends, this ought not to be in Christ’s family! Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member or express outrage when people don’t believe like you, vote like you, or please you. Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not selfish

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT)

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not selfish. You would agree, right?

But think of the selfish nature of our current culture, not only outside but inside the church, which is supposed to be the family of God, characterized by followers of Jesus loving each other no matter what, being loyal to each other no matter what, expecting the best of each other, no matter what, standing their ground in defending each other, no matter what.

“Ghosting” a friend. Cancel culture. The age of outrage. If you think that’s outside the church, think again! Over the past few weeks, I’ve interviewed two dozen pastors from around the country who’ve told of too many heartbreaking stories of church members who’ve been ghosted, canceled, met with hostility by other “believing” family members and church friends these past two years over politics, pandemic protocols, and cultural concerns. And all of them, like me, have personally experienced the same.

What of Christ is there in that?

Friends, there’s no place for this in the Body of Christ. Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member. It doesn’t demand that people believe like you, vote like you, or live their lives to please you. Love does not demand its own way.

But if you have, I admonish you to repent before God and go to that person you’ve treated unlovingly and ask for their forgiveness. Listen: a friend is born for adversity (even adversity in the relationship), family loves at all times (even when you disagree over mandates or candidates), and unity in Christ is far more important than any temporal earthly concern (including current political beliefs).

Love never, ever demands its own way!

Love—agape love—doesn’t ghost a friend or cancel a family member or express outrage when people don’t believe like you, vote like you, or please you. Love does not demand its own way.

#afriendisbornforadversity

Take A Moment: Have you dismissed a friend recently? If you have, today would be a good day to say you are sorry, to God, and to that friend!

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Love Is Not Rude

Rudeness: The Gateway Drug

SYNOPSIS: What explains the nasty, age of outrage, knee-jerk cancel culture that America now is? How about a growing culture of contempt. And while it’s easy to fall into that cultural pattern, as Christ-followers, we’re called to banish contempt, which reveals itself in the form of rudeness, which in turn expresses its ugly self in the form of putdowns, sarcasm, and angry outbursts. Rudeness, along with its foot soldiers, must be ruthlessly removed from our bag of responses, whether nursed in our minds, spoken through our words, or delivered by our actions. It matters not if our rudeness is directed at a spouse, a sibling, a coworker, a friend, the President, or to no one in particular on a social media post, love is NEVER rude; rather it is ALWAYS kind and patient and gentle and good and uplifting. If you will choose to be a person who always builds up and never puts down, you will be a conduit of agape love! (I Cor 8:1; 13:4)

Make Love Work // 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NLT)

Love is … not rude.

Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength, as Eric Hoffer noted. Just remember that when you have been treated rudely, or when you are tempted to treat someone rudely.

In reality, rudeness is nothing more than a thinly veiled and poorly disguised form of anger. And, unfortunately, it seems to be the gateway drug to other, worse ways that we treat people. Rudeness can turn to anger, spite, derision, contempt, and eventually to “canceling” (currently, the cultural response du jour), another person from our lives. All of the above, I believe, fit into what Jesus warned against in Matthew 5:22,

But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Often our rudeness is the gateway drug for other nastiness. It morphs into disdain for others, which then becomes derision, and in turn the conduit of words flung at or about another usually through name-calling and put-downs. In the Greek text of Matthew, Jesus used the word “Raca,” which literally meant, “you nobody…you empty head.” It’s like the oft-used put-downs, “he’s an airhead,” or “she a dumb blond.”

Those kinds of put-downs aren’t so much about the lack of intelligence of the person to whom they’re directed, but the rudeness of the person from which they came. It’s a particularly nasty form of contempt for another human being that has no place among God’s people.

But even worse, Jesus says, is when we express our disdain for someone, whether it comes in the form of rudeness or out-and-out rage, in a way that poisons their reputation in the eyes of others. Jesus says we do that when we call someone a “fool”. The Greek word is moros; the word moron comes from it. Moros refers not so much to the content in a person’s head—or lack thereof—but the content of their character—what makes them who they are! It’s the worst kind of murder of all: to assassinate another’s character; to murder their reputation; to kill their standing in the eyes of others.

Have you ever become so disgusted with someone that you can’t stand the sight of them—or disliked their personality so much that you snarl when you use their name? Have you expressed derision for the president lately or some other political leader who turns your stomach? When you think of others with whom you completely disagree, are your thoughts about them full of disgust and contempt? Jesus says that kind of rudeness on steroids is a killer of relationships.

Back in 1994, U. S. News and World Report presented some research about married couples who either stayed together or split up during their first decade of marriage. Interestingly, those who endured and those who didn’t looked remarkably similar in the early days. But they found a very subtle difference: Among couples who ultimately stayed together, 5 out of every 100 comments made about each other were put-downs. Among couples who split up, 10 of every 100 comments were insults. But that gap grew wider over the following decade, until unhealthy couples were flinging five times the put-downs as healthy couples. The researchers concluded: “Hostile putdowns act as cancerous cells that, if unchecked, erode the relationship over time.”

Rudeness, in whatever form, acts as cancerous cells that erode any relationship over time. It will erode the love to which we are called as Christ-followers to demonstrate toward all people. And in the end, it will erode the heart of the one who is rude.

We live in a culture of contempt—and it’s easy to fall in line with that pattern—but we’re called to banish rudeness, putdowns, sarcasm, anger, and contempt from our response to others, whether it is just in our thoughts or it comes through our words or it is delivered through our actions. Whether toward a spouse or a sibling or a coworker or the president or any other person, love is never rude but it is always kind and patient and gentle and good and uplifting.

As Ephesians 4:32 reminds us, let’s “be kind and compassionate to one another.”

If rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength, choose today to show how truly strong you are by choosing kindness, patience, gentleness, goodness, and encouragement in your actions and reactions. That is love!

Take A Moment: Have you been rude, angry, spiteful, derisive, contemptuous toward someone recently? If you have, today would be a good day to say you are sorry!