Getting Unstuck From Relational Kindergarten

Synopsis: Do you lack emotional and social intelligence? Most people who do are usually not curious enough to even wonder. That is why they are stuck in relational and professional awkwardness. But if you do, then why not just go to some straight-shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!” Then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. With God’s help and good friends, you can develop self-awareness and get on the path to becoming a winsome person.

Moments With God // Proverbs 23:1-2

When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.

Some people just don’t get it! They are relatively attractive in their physical presentation, they are reasonably intelligent, and they have skill sets that should allow them to be successful. For all intents and purposes, they should be flourishing vocationally and relationally.

The problem is, that they have gaping deficits when it comes to emotional intelligence and social awareness. When it comes to knowing how to interact with people and act in certain settings, they are unaware, detached and we might even say, totally clueless. The light bulb is in the socket, but it ain’t burnin’ too bright if you know what I mean.

That’s the kind of person this proverb is describing. Although the particular emphasis here is on table manners, the greater thought has to do with both the kind of self and social awareness that will allow a person to have friends, move up the ladder of success in their career, get the kind of traction that allows them to make an impact in the world, and enjoy the life-long love a spouse who just flat out adores them and children who admire them into their own well-adjusted adulthood.

I’ve run into people like that occasionally, and invariably they will complain that they have no close friends, or that they just can’t seem to catch a break at work, or question why God doesn’t seem to provide them a serious love interest even though they’ve prayed about it. Even if they are aware of their shortcomings, some will even say, “Well, people ought to just accept me…I am what I am.”

Well, if that’s your attitude, good luck. You’ll probably be saying that to the very end when you are old, lonely, and miserable!

Here’s the deal: If perhaps after reading this you’re wondering if you lack emotional and social intelligence, why not just go to some straight shooter in your world and ask them what they think. And let me add a good rule of thumb: if they are honest enough to talk about your elephant in the room, and even if they don’t do it with a lot of grace and tact, “take it like a grown-up!”

And then do something about it. Don’t stay stuck in emotional kindergarten or remedial manners class. You can develop self-awareness, you know. How?

One, ask God. He is in the business of answering prayer. His indwelling Spirit wants to have more control of you, and as you yield to him, good stuff will start to happen. James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” In fact, this entire book of Proverbs was written to “impart shrewdness to the morally naive, and a discerning plan to the young person.” (Prov 1:4)

Two, ask someone who seems to be socially skilled and relationally successful for a few pointers—then start implementing their interpersonal tips in a way that is appropriate for you. The Apostle Paul exhorted his disciples, “Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” (Phil 4:9)

And three, look around. Watch people. See how others behave in social settings. That should give you a clue as to what is appropriate or not. And just a caveat here: Make sure you are in proper social settings. Be smart about it, because you’re probably not going to pick any redeeming social graces in some of the questionable places that now seem to be acceptable in our unguarded age. Again, taking our cue from Paul, “pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example.” (Phil 3:17)

You may never be the slickest person in the bunch or have the smoothness of some people—and that’s okay. But God does want you to be a person of grace—and he’s got plenty of that to give you, free of charge. No matter where you are on the emotional-social continuum, I hope you will access his unlimited supply.