Silence Is Not Golden

Having difficult conversations is a skill that parents must develop if they are to do a great job of bringing up their children to be well-adjusted, responsible adults. To balance words of rebuke and admonishment with words of encouragement and direction is one of the most difficult things to master, but it can and must be done. To a large degree, the future of the child depends on how skillfully the parent speaks the truth in love.

Going Deep // Focus: 2 Samuel 14:28

Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face.

It is easy to put figures from history on the couch and analyze all their problems. When we do, however, we never have all the facts and nuances that went into why they did what they did, and playing armchair psychologist with their lives will lead us to a pretty dismal cure rate. As Henry Louis Menchen said,

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

Having said that, let me take a shot at analyzing David’s parenting technique of isolating his misbehaving son, Absalom, which from our vantage point now looking back several thousand years was horrible. Absalom was King David’s favorite, his pet. The young man was handsome and winsome, and people loved him. His attraction quotient was off the charts. He was also as devious, sneaky, and self-serving as the day is long. When his half-brother Amnon forced himself sexually on Abalsom’s sister, Tamar, Absalom was furious—understandably. And when their father seemed to turn a blind eye to what Amnon had done, Absalom fumed, and secretly plotted.

When the time came, under the guise of a family celebration, through an intricately planned trap, Absalom murdered Amnon and avenged his sister’s rape. Absalom then fled Israel and lived in exile for a couple of years under the protection of a friendly king. In the meantime, again turning a blind eye to what his son had done, David pined for his favorite child. Ultimately, through some skillful mediation, Absalom was allowed to return home to Israel.

But his ongoing punishment was the silent treatment from David. The king refused to speak to his son for two years. In fact, Absalom couldn’t even be in King David’s presence. And it was during this time that Absalom, now seething from his father’s silence, began to secretly foment the rebellion that would lead him to usurp his father’s throne. It would be a rebellion that would divide Israel, lead to the deaths of thousands of soldiers, and ultimately lead to Absalom’s own death and David’s deep and abiding grief.

Now for the analysis: In hindsight, banishing the young man from king’s presence was probably the worst thing the dad could have done for the son. Punishment yes, but silence no. In this case, the judgment was not redemptive; this was not discipline—a form of discipleship that has the goal of restoring the one being punished to a better place. This was done out of anger, frustration and embarrassment.

How much better would it have been for king David to bring Absalom close to himself and help the self-absorbed young man learn about selflessness and serving from the man who truly understood what it meant to shepherd his people? Rather, David’s silent treatment allowed what had already been festering in Absalom to now grow even more rapidly. If Absalom was narcissistic before, he was now a narcissist on steroids.

Having difficult conversations is a skill that must be developed by parents if they are to do a great job of bringing up their children to be well-adjusted, responsible adults. To balance words of rebuke and admonishment with words of encouragement and direction is one of the most difficult things to master, but it can and must be done. As the Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:15-16,

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

A key piece of a parent’s own maturing process is to courageously and confidently speak the truth in love to their children. As Paul said, this is the only way for our family—our children—to build itself up in love.

If you are a parent, or a mentor to a young person, I plead with you: learn how to get this one right. To a large degree, the future of your charge depends on how skillfully you speak the truth in love.