Tag Archives: Friendship

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A Call to Agape-Driven Relationships in 2022

A Friendship That Enters The Soul

SYNOPSIS: “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” (Arnold Glasgow) That was Jonathan’s relationship with David, and it was arguably the most life-enriching friendship ever. Jonathan’s love bracketed and contained his father Saul’s evil, and entered David’s soul in a way Saul’s hatred never did. That’s the power of a Jonathan-like friend—and it’s the kind of friendship you are called to offer another in this era of Covid/Culture Wars/Political Strife where friendships are far too quickly and easily discarded like yesterday’s trash. If you are to offer another a Jonathan/David friendship—which is simply what the New Testament calls  “agape love” — you don’t ghost or cancel or vent outrage on a friend. You don’t demand that they believe like you, vote like you, or live their life to please you. Listen: a friend is born for relational adversity; a friend loves at all times (even when there is disagreement over mandates or candidates); for the sake of Christ, a friend doesn’t allow temporal earthly concerns to corrode the relationship; the love of a friend never, ever demands its own way. On this day, and from here on out, be a true friend!

Going Deep // Focus: 1 Samuel 23:16-17

And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. “Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.”

Though Jonathan was King Saul’s son and heir to the throne, he stripped himself of every symbol of royalty to show favor and friendship to one who was his rival—David. Instead of jealousy, which would have been the natural response, he gave David strength. Instead of protecting his own interests, Jonathan promoted David’s welfare. Instead of siding with his father, he defended David, even risking his own life. Instead of minimizing the damage his father was trying to inflict upon David, Jonathan openly and honestly admitted the king’s wrong. Instead of abandoning David, Jonathan became a source of encouragement.

David was at the point of breaking. I’m sure he thought about giving up. If he had, he would have ceased to be Jonathan’s rival, and Jonathan knew that. Yet Jonathan went to him and strengthened him in the Lord anyway. Jonathan was content to be second fiddle if he could help advance David to first chair. Was that because Jonathon viewed himself as unworthy? Is there some self-loathing at play here? Not at all; he is simply responding to what he saw God doing in David’s life.

How rare does a friend put himself or herself in the background for the sake of another’s God-ordained advancement! Jonathan’s relationship with David was truly an altruistic friendship. It was not based on what he could get from his friend, but what he could give. That is truly a sacrificial friendship—and it is what God values, expects, and blesses.

This leads to a very important, and challenging application: Normally at this point, we would think about how we might acquire a Jonathan-type friend in our lives. Perhaps the more important thing would be to ask ourselves how we could be a Jonathan-like friend to someone in our relational sphere.

The truth is, if you want to have the kind friendship Jonathan offered David, you need to be that kind of friend. The best vitamin for that kind of loyal, life-giving friendship: B-1! Each of us desires someone like Jonathan in our lives—and it’s appropriate to pray that way.

More than that, each of us should pray that God will make us a Jonathan to some David. That is the kind of friendship you are called to offer another in this era of Covid/Culture Wars/Political Strife where friendships are far too quickly and easily discarded like yesterday’s trash. If you are to offer another a Jonathan/David friendship—which is simply what the New Testament calls  “agape love” — you don’t ghost or cancel or vent outrage on a friend. You don’t demand that they believe like you, vote like you, or live their life to please you. Listen: a friend is born for relational adversity; a friend loves at all times (even when there is disagreement over mandates or candidates); for the sake of Christ, a friend doesn’t allow temporal earthly concerns to corrode the relationship; the love of a friend never, ever demands its own way.

On this day, and from here on out, be a true friend!

Going Deeper With God: Someone has said that Jonathan’s friendship bracketed and contained Saul’s evil, and his friendship entered David’s soul in a way Saul’s hatred never did. That’s the power of a Jonathan-like friendship. To whom can you offer that level of friendship? Why not start today!

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Calling Out God’s Creative Design In Another

Look To See God In Another

SYNOPSIS: The deepest and best relationships—be it marriage or friendship—rest upon something of God we see in another. When we see the beauty of Christ or the purity of the Spirit or the implanted potential of the Creator, and we’re drawn to that over physical attraction or the career they hold or their popular appeal, we have found the basis of that which God desires a relationship to be built. The greatest thing any person can do for another is to confirm the deepest thing in him or her; to take the time and have the interest and exercise the discernment to see what of God is there, then affirm it and encourage it.

Going Deep // Focus: 1 Samuel 20:16-17

So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the Lord call David’s enemies to account.” And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.

Jonathan and David—what a friendship. In 2 Samuel 1, we read of David’s lament when the news was brought to him of the deaths of King Saul and Prince Jonathan. As David’s heart overflowed with grief for the loss of his dear friend, he poured forth some of the most moving and beautiful words ever written about a friend,

Saul and Jonathan — in life they were loved and gracious, and in death they were not parted. They were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. O daughters of Israel, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold. How the mighty have fallen in battle! Jonathan lies slain on your heights. I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women. How the mighty have fallen! (2 Samuel 1:23-27)

Interestingly, the unlikely friendship that developed between David and Jonathan was a bright spot in what was mostly the dark context of Jonathan’s father, King Saul’s hatred for David. Yet how true that is of significant friendships: they are born, tested, and strengthened in the crucible of difficulty. As someone has rightly said, “Prosperity begets friends, adversity proves them.”

When the rest of the world abandoned David, Jonathan stood by him. Jonathan’s friendship entered David’s soul in a way Saul’s hatred never did. Writer Chuck Swindoll says they became “kindred spirits.” They were soul-mates of a different kind, to paraphrase Aristotle, “a single soul dwelling in two bodies.”

One of the bright moments in David’s rise to power was the strengthening hand of his friend, Jonathan, the rightful heir to the throne that David would occupy in Jonathan’s stead. So close was this friendship that David said it surpassed the love a man might have for a woman, or as the Contemporary English Version reads, “You were truly loyal to me, more faithful than a wife to her husband.” The Message captures it this way: “Your friendship was a miracle-wonder, love far exceeding anything I’ve known—or ever hope to know.” (2 Samuel 1:26)

As King Saul was declining, and trying to take David down with him, it was Jonathan who was largely responsible for sustaining and strengthening David to stay faithful and hopeful in the Lord. Jonathan’s friendship bracketed and contained Saul’s evil. The friendship Jonathan offered to David was truly redemptive—a relationship that truly was spiritual at the core. The foundation and the formation of this friendship were centered on their shared devotion to God.

I Samuel 18:1-4 says, “After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father’s house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow, and his belt.”

In the purest sense, this was love at first sight. The moment Jonathan saw David go out to battle, his heart went out to him in great affection and devotion. He loved David for what he saw of God in him: Courage to face a giant, trust that God would go with him, loyalty to the king that led him to risk certain death, and such devotion to God’s people that he’d put his life on the line to achieve victory for Israel. These character qualities that Jonathan saw in David drew from him deep admiration and covenantal love. And it was their covenant, by the way, not their circumstances, that drove their relationship.

That is God’s plan for human souls—to be knit like that together. Adam and Eve came into the world like that, knit together in a oneness which God had given them—they were kindred spirits. But sin, the thing that separates the human heart from its Creator, also divides human hearts from one another. And the sad result of original sin has been with us ever since. Rather than living in the unity of community, we drift toward the shores of isolation and loneliness.

Yet every human heart cries out that it might be knit to another as Jonathan was knit to David, as Adam was knit to Eve. And every authentic friendship, every intimate marriage, every Godly courtship, every soul–mate relationship is a re-establishment of the sacred union of God’s original intent for human beings.

The deepest and best relationships—be it marriage or friendship—rest upon something of God we see in another. When we see the beauty of Christ or the purity of the Spirit or the implanted potential of the Creator, and we’re drawn to that over physical attraction or the career they hold or their popular appeal, we have found the basis of that which God desires a relationship to be built. The greatest thing any person can do for another is to confirm the deepest thing in him or her; to take the time and have the interest and exercise the discernment to see what of God is there, then affirm it and encourage it.

That’s what David and Jonathan had—a friendship that was fundamentally spiritual!

I believe that rather than focusing on having these kinds of Jonathan-like friends, we’d see better results if we’d focus on being a Jonathan-like friend. Each of us desires someone like Jonathan in our lives—and it’s certainly appropriate to pray that way. But each of us should pray that God will make us a Jonathan to a David.

What sort of friend are you? If you were somebody else, would you want you as a friend? Is your love for people unconditional and selfless and steadfast? If you want to have those kinds of friends, show yourself to be that kind of friend.

The best vitamin for redemptive friendships: B-1!

Going Deeper With God: Ask God to give you Jonathan-like qualities of a redemptive friend. Then, to the best of your ability, B-1.
.

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Industrial Strength Friendship

A True Friend Walks In When Everybody Else Has Walked Out

SYNOPSIS: In an age that worships individualism and is characterized by self-centeredness, intolerance, and exclusivity, the Book of Ruth invites us to offer the people in our lives these three essential strengths of a covenantal friendship: 1) A relationship that is founded on shared faith – “Your God will be my God.” 2) A relationship that is built on self-sacrifice – “Your people will be my people.” In other words, I will give up what I want to take on your concerns. 3) A relationship that holds together by mutual commitment – “Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.” What a powerful and covenantal bond. When a relationship is based on the non-negotiables of faith, sacrifice, and mutual commitment, it will not be a fair-weather friendship. May the Lord give us friends – and make us a friend – like that!

Going Deep // Focus: Ruth 1:16-17

But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!”.

A popular genre of literature when I was in high school and college was the short story. I’m not too sure if it is used much in this day when 500-page novels dominate the market. But one of my favorite short stories was written by Stephen King—yes, he of horror story fame. But King wrote a non-horror short story called, The Body. It was later made into a movie with a new title, Stand By Me—a memorable story about a group of four or five twelve-year-old boys, and their outstanding friendship. The story revolved around their shared experiences, loyalty to one another, mutual protection from outside threats, and the growth of their friendship through adversity.

That’s the book of Ruth! It is one of the greatest short stories in the history of literature, and perhaps the greatest story ever about what I would call, industrial-strength friendship. When Benjamin Franklin was U. S. Ambassador to France, he occasionally attended the Infidels Club—a group that spent most of its time searching for and reading literary masterpieces. On one occasion Franklin read the book of Ruth to the club but changed the names in it so it would not be recognized as a book of the Bible. When he finished, their praise was unanimous. They said it was one of the most beautiful short stories they’d ever heard, and demanded that he tell where he had run across such a remarkable literary masterpiece. It was his great delight to tell them that it was from the Bible, which they regarded with scorn, and in which they felt there was nothing good.

The book of Ruth is certainly a literary masterpiece. It is a cameo story of love, devotion, and redemption set in the bleak context of the days of the Judges. Relationally, this story shows how its three main characters, Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz, all from different backgrounds, social levels, and ages blend their lives together to give us a relational example that is sorely needed today in an age that worships individualism and is characterized by self-centeredness, intolerance, and exclusivity. From Ruth’s story I would say are three essential strengths of a prevailing friendship:

First, it is a relationship where the greatest common denominator is faith in God. Notice the phrase in those verses: “Your God will be my God.” Faith concerns ultimate and eternal matters, and any friendship will be strongest when it has this ultimate concern at the core of its existence.

Second, it is a relationship built on sacrifice. Notice the words, “Your people will be my people.” In other words, I will give up what I want to take on your concerns. I will put your interests ahead of my own. I do what I can to make you better. I’ll give up in order to give to you. Not “I” but “you” makes for a far better “we”.

And third, it is a relationship that exhibits unbreakable mutual commitment. Did you catch the words, “Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates us.” What a powerful and covenantal bond. When a relationship is based on a non-negotiable like that, it will not be a fair-weather friendship.

Faith, sacrifice, and mutual commitment. May the Lord give us friends, and make us a friend like that!

Do you need a friend like that? Then ask God for one. I hear that he answers prayers, so give it a shot!

Do you already have a friend like that? Maybe you need to tell God how grateful you are for them…and then specifically express how grateful you are to that friend.

But perhaps the most important question is: Do you need to be a friend like that? Someone once asked this profound question: “If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?” Which of the three qualities we’ve looked at in Ruth’s story do you need to cultivate? What do you need to do to become a better friend?

According to the little magazine, Bits and Pieces, a British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following: “One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable.” “One who understands our silence. A volume of sympathy bound in cloth.” “A watch that beats true for all time and never runs down.”

But the winning definition simply read: “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.” I like that, don’t you? That’s what I want to be.

Going Deeper With God: Lift a thanksgiving offering to the Lord for the friends he has given you. Then write those friends notes of gratitude and encouragement.

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Getting Called Out

ThanksLiving: 365 Days of Gratitude

We need someone to call us out when our thinking, feeling and acting cause us to veer off the path of faith. That person is God’s gift to us, a true friend. But we will not have friends like that unless we invite them in, invest trust in their godly wisdom, and then give them permission to treat us roughly when we need it. One of the unavoidable essentials for healthy living is to have people who will speak the truth in love when we are acting in ways that are contrary to the will of God.

Going Deep // Focus: 2 Samuel 19:5-7

Joab went to the king’s room and said to him, “We saved your life today and the lives of your sons, your daughters, and your wives and concubines. Yet you act like this, making us feel ashamed of ourselves. You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that your commanders and troops mean nothing to you. It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased. Now go out there and congratulate your troops, for I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight. Then you will be worse off than ever before.”

Do you have a friend who will call you out for inappropriate behavior? I hope so. You and I need at least one person in our lives that will speak the truth in love when we are acting in ways contrary to the will of God. Now those contrary ways might be out-and-out sinful behavior, but it could also be shrinking back in fear, moping in self-pity, or failing to see the hand of God in some difficulty we are experiencing.

Whatever the case may be, we need somebody to call out our thinking, feeling and acting when we are veering off the path of faith and into the ditch of shortsightedness. But we will not have people like that in our lives unless we invite them in, invest trust in their godly wisdom, and then give them permission to treat us roughly when we need it.

Joab was that kind of friend to King David. The king had just lost his son Absalom in battle. Absalom had usurped the throne and led a rebellion against David that had resulted in the loss of many Israelite lives. The troops loyal to David had rescued the king and saved the nation from civil war, but in the process, the king’s son, his favorite son, had been killed. And now David was mourning the loss of Absalom to the point that the hard-fought victory seemed like a defeat to those who had put their own lives on the line for the king and the kingdom.

Joab risked his reputation, job and life to call out the king for his shortsighted behavior. To make this brave act all the more impressive, keep in mind that King David had a history of not responding too well to this kind of bad news. (cf. 2 Samuel 1:1-15, 4:1-12) But Joab had the heart of a lion, and he knew that if he didn’t shock the weeping king into more kingly behavior the kingdom would be lost. So he called out the king, the king responded, and the kingdom was saved.

Who is your Joab? Have you invited a trustworthy friend to speak hard truth into your life whenever they see the need? I would not advise that you give too many people this privilege, and for sure, do not invite the first on your friend list into this role. You will regret it if you do. But find someone who is wise, experienced, godly, and who loves the vision God has for your life more than they care about being popular with you 24/7.

Prayerfully select someone like that, and then give them the keys to the front door of your heart. Believe me, they will steer you out of the ditch of short-sight thinking, harmful emotions and sinful actions at some point in your life.

When God gives you your Joab, thank God, and thank your Joab, early and often. They are a gift!

Going Deeper With God: If you have a “Joab” in your life, make contact with them today and reaffirm their role in your life. If you don’t, begin to ask God to show you a wise, godly, and bold person who could fill the Joab role.

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Stand By Me

Reflect:
Ruth 1:1-4:22

“But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!’” ~Ruth 1:16-17

A popular genre of literature when I was in high school and college was the short story. I’m not too sure if it is used much in this day when 500 page novels dominate the market. But one of my favorite short stories was written by Stephen King—yes, he of horror story fame. But King wrote a non-horror short story called, The Body. It was later made into a movie with a new title, Stand By Me—a memorable story about a group of four or five twelve-year old boys, and their outstanding friendship. The story revolved around their shared experiences, loyalty to one another, mutual protection from outside threats and the growth of their friendship through adversity.

That’s the book of Ruth! It is one of the greatest short stories in the history of literature, and perhaps the greatest story ever about authentic friendship. When Benjamin Franklin was U. S. Ambassador to France, he occasionally attended the Infidels Club—a group that spent most of its time searching for and reading literary masterpieces. On one occasion Franklin read the book of Ruth to the club, but changed the names in it so it would not be recognized as a book of the Bible. When he finished, their praise was unanimous. They said it was one of the most beautiful short stories they’d ever heard, and demanded that he tell where he had run across such a remarkable literary masterpiece. It was his great delight to tell them that it was from the Bible, which they regarded with scorn and derision, and from which they believed nothing was good.

The book of Ruth is certainly a literary masterpiece. It is a cameo story of love, devotion and redemption set in the bleak context of the days of the Judges. Relationally, this story shows how its three main characters, Ruth, Naomi and Boaz, all from different background, social levels and ages blend their lives together to give us a relational example that is sorely needed today in an age that worships individualism and is characterized by self-centeredness, intolerance and exclusivity. In particular, from Ruth’s relationship with her mother-in-law Naomi emerges three essential characteristics of an enduring and life-giving friendship:

First, it is a relationship where the greatest common denominator is faith in God. Notice the phrase in those verses: “Your God will be my God.” Faith concerns ultimate and eternal matters, and any friendship will be strongest when it has this ultimate concern at the core of its existence.

Second, it is a relationship built on sacrifice: Notice the words, “Your people will be my people.” In other words, I’ll give up what I want to take on your concerns. I’ll put your interests ahead of my own. What can I do to make you better? I’ll give up in order to give to you. Not “I” but “you” makes for a far better “we”.

And third, it is a relationship that exhibits unbreakable mutual commitment. Did you catch the words, “Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, it anything but death separates us.” What a powerful and covenantal bond. When a relationship is based on a non-negotiable like that, it will not be a fair weather friendship.

Faith, sacrifice and mutual commitment! Do you need a friend like that? Then ask God for one. I hear he answers prayers, so give it a shot!

Do you already have a friend like that? Maybe you need to tell God how grateful you are for them… and then specifically express how grateful you are to that friend. Benjamin Franklin said “we should be slow in choosing a friend, even slower in changing.” Why? Because a true friend is a rare treasure.

But perhaps the most important question is: Do you need to be a friend like that? Someone once asked this profound question: “If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?” Which of the three qualities we’ve looked at in Ruth’s story do you need to cultivate? What do you need to do to become a better friend?

May God give us, and make us, that kind of a friend!

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” ~George Eliot

Reflect and Apply: According to the little magazine, Bits and Pieces, a British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. The winning definition simply state,: “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.” If that is the kind of friend you would like to have, then be one.

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Stand By Me

Essential 100—Read:
Ruth 1:1-4:22

“But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!’” ~Ruth 1:16-17

A popular genre of literature when I was in high school and college was the short story. I’m not too sure if it is used much in this day when 500 page novels dominate the market. But one of my favorite short stories was written by Stephen King—yes, he of horror story fame. But King wrote a non-horror short story called, The Body. It was later made into a movie with a new title, Stand By Me—a memorable story about a group of four or five twelve-year old boys, and their outstanding friendship. The story revolved around their shared experiences, loyalty to one another, mutual protection from outside threats and the growth of their friendship through adversity.

That’s the book of Ruth!  It is one of the greatest short stories in the history of literature, and perhaps the greatest story ever about authentic friendship. When Benjamin Franklin was U. S. Ambassador to France, he occasionally attended the Infidels Club—a group that spent most of its time searching for and reading literary masterpieces. On one occasion Franklin read the book of Ruth to the club, but changed the names in it so it would not be recognized as a book of the Bible. When he finished, their praise was unanimous. They said it was one of the most beautiful short stories they’d ever heard, and demanded that he tell where he had run across such a remarkable literary masterpiece.  It was his great delight to tell them that it was from the Bible, which they regarded with scorn and derision, and from which they believed nothing was good.

The book of Ruth is certainly a literary masterpiece. It is a cameo story of love, devotion and redemption set in the bleak context of the days of the Judges. Relationally, this story shows how its three main characters, Ruth, Naomi and Boaz, all from different background, social levels and ages blend their lives together to give us a relational example that is sorely needed today in an age that worships individualism and is characterized by self-centeredness, intolerance and exclusivity. In particular, from Ruth’s relationship with her mother-in-law Naomi emerges three essential characteristics of an enduring and life-giving friendship:

First, it is a relationship where the greatest common denominator is faith in God.  Notice the phrase in those verses:  “Your God will be my God.”  Faith concerns ultimate and eternal matters, and any friendship will be strongest when it has this ultimate concern at the core of its existence.

Second, it is a relationship built on sacrifice:  Notice the words, “Your people will be my people.” In other words, I’ll give up what I want to take on your concerns. I’ll put your interests ahead of my own. What can I do to make you better? I’ll give up in order to give to you. Not “I” but “you” makes for a far better “we”.

And third, it is a relationship that exhibits unbreakable mutual commitment. Did you catch the words, “Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.  May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, it anything but death separates us.” What a powerful and covenantal bond. When a relationship is based on a non-negotiable like that, it will not be a fair weather friendship.

Faith, sacrifice and mutual commitment! Do you need a friend like that?  Then ask God for one. I hear he answers prayers, so give it a shot!

Do you already have a friend like that?  Maybe you need to tell God how grateful you are for them… and then specifically express how grateful you are to that friend.  Benjamin Franklin said “we should be slow in choosing a friend, even slower in changing.” Why?  Because a true friend is a rare treasure.

But perhaps the most important question is: Do you need to be a friend like that?  Someone once asked this profound question:  “If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?”  Which of the three qualities we’ve looked at in Ruth’s story do you need to cultivate?  What do you need to do to become a better friend?

May God give us, and make us, that kind of a friend!

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”  ~George Eliot

Reflect and Apply: According to the little magazine, Bits and Pieces, a British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. The winning definition simply state,: “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”  If that is the kind of friend you would like to have, then be one.

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Industrial Strength Friends

Read Proverbs 27

Featured Verse: Proverbs 27:5-6

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

I’m amazed when I read the Bible—especially the book of Proverbs—how relevant and practical it really is.  People who criticize it as being boring to read, difficult to understand and out of touch with their lives probably haven’t given it much of a chance.  Seriously, the Bible is the best and only true roadmap/self-help book/fire insurance manual out there worth it’s salt, if you know what I mean.

Proverbs 27 is an excellent case in point. For instance, how much clearer, more relevant and to the point can it get when it says you and I need friends in our lives who will not only love us unconditionally and protect us at all cost, but will also call out the best in us, even when it hurts.  From my vantage point as a spiritual leader, I see way too many people who’ve treated that command to invest in these kinds of industrial strength friendships as optional—both having those kinds of friends and being that kind of a friend to others—and have done so to their own detriment.

Part of my role is to shepherd people out of the junk in their lives, and I’ve wondered on a few occasions if some people just never had someone like the Proverbs 27:5-6 friend speaking truth into their life, someone who was willing to say, “hey, pal, you’ve got spinach stuck in your teeth!” or “hey sis, you gotta cut the crap!”  Some of the chronic dysfunction and destructive patterns we fall into may very well have been prevented at their source if we would have allowed  someone to lovingly rebuke us and inflict a friendly wound along the way.

There’s an interesting verse, Psalm 141:5, that says, “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me — it is oil to my head.  My head will not refuse it.”  The Hebrew word for kindness is “hesed”, which means loving acts of authentic friendship.  We need to have people who have the freedom to be totally, lovingly truthful with us. And, by the way, we need to be that kind of friend as much as we need them.

The temptation we all face is to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good but don’t help us to become righteous. However, we will never grow past our character flaws and personality weaknesses if we don’t have people speaking truth into our lives.  Proverbs 15:31 says, “He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.”  There’s an old Jewish proverb that says, “A friend is one who warns you.”  Got anyone who will warn you?

Most people don’t, unfortunately.  The American Sociological Review cited evidence that Americans have a third fewer close friends than just a couple of decades ago. People who have nobody to count as a close personal friend have more than doubled.  Having no one outside of one’s own family as a trusted confidant has risen from 50 to nearly 90 percent. Even within families, the degree of intimacy, trust and honesty needed for emotional health has steadily diminished.

You don’t just need a lot of friendly people in your life, although having friendly people around is a good thing.  What you most need are godly people who’ll come alongside you to call out God’s best in you.  Proverbs 27:17 says of these kinds of friendships, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

You and I need friends like that —friends who are unconditionally loving yet absolutely committed to growth in our character through loving honesty.  I like how the Good News Bible translates Proverbs 27:5-6, “Better to correct someone openly than to let him think you don’t care for him at all.  Friends mean well, even when they hurt you. But when an enemy puts his arm around your shoulder—watch out!”

That’s not a declaration of open season for brutal honesty, but it does speak of the vital connection between the health of our whole being and the difficult conversations needed to get us there—and God’s gift of true friendships that makes it possible.

“Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.”

Winning At Life:

Proverbs calls us into accountable relationships—to develop friends and partners who will call out God’s best in us and hold our feet to the fire in terms of our personal and spiritual growth.  For sure, you need to get friends like that, but let me also challenge you to be a friend like that.  Think about what it will take to become that kind of friend (which doesn’t happen overnight—it takes a track record of love, faithfulness and encouragement) and who it is that really needs you to be that kind of friend (believe me, God has at least one candidate for your friendship).